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Some people think that companies and individuals, rather than governments, should pay to clean up the pollution that they have caused. To what extend do you agree with this statement. v.1

Some people think that companies and individuals, rather than governments, should pay to clean up the pollution that they have caused. v. 1
There is a contention of which of ones is more essential for us, to spend more time on career development or with families. In my opinion, we should give priority to our families. In terms of life span, the vast majority of average people are not able to live more than 100 years; thus, to deduct the time used for sleeping and working, we seem not to have adequate time left to accompany with our elderly parents and young children. When they are aged or grow up, we may do not have time to go out with them because there are invariably unexpected events that ask our time. For example, to attend a conference or to do extra work on a weekend, meaning that your time for your families becomes less. Thus, we need to cherish now and spend more with families. Regarding career promotion, in my opinion, there are always endless jobs waiting for you; hence, you should have efficient work management, which symbolises that you do not have to work overtime. By doing such way, you can arrange some family activities or party with friends, which may help your professional development because these activities bring you happiness and refreshment. As a proverb says “ a happier wife you have, the happier you are. ” In summary, the family is the essential unit of our society that will not only give you comfort, but also can balance the work and health. Important as professional development is, home and family are always your invaluable asset.
There is a contention of which of ones is more essential for us, to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on career development or with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. In my opinion, we should give priority to our families.

In terms of life span, the vast majority of average
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more than 100 years;
thus
, to deduct the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for sleeping and working, we seem not to have adequate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompany by".
accompany with
our elderly parents and young children. When they
are aged
or grow up, we may do not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to go out with them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
invariably
unexpected
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
that ask our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For example
, to attend a conference or to do extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on a weekend, meaning that your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
becomes less.
Thus
, we need to cherish
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
and spend more with families.

Regarding career promotion, in my opinion, there are always endless jobs waiting for you;
hence
, you should have efficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
management, which
Possible spelling mistake. 'symbolises' is British English.
symbolises
that you do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
overtime. By doing such way, you can arrange
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
activities or party with friends, which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
your professional development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these activities bring you happiness and refreshment. As a proverb says
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
“
a happier wife you have, the happier you are. ”

In summary, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the essential unit of our society that will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
give you comfort,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
can balance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Important
as professional development is, home and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
are always your invaluable asset.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Some people think that companies and individuals, rather than governments, should pay to clean up the pollution that they have caused. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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