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Some people think that a persons improve their intellectual skills more when doing a group activity. To what extend do you agree. v.2

Some people think that a persons improve their intellectual skills more when doing a group activity. v. 2
As we all know, it is a long journey for a person to become a scholar. Some people believe that teamwork will boost individual cognitive capacity. I totally agree with them and the essay will discuss my opinion. To begin with, it is a truth that team work will encourage the growth of cognitive intelligence and wisdom as long as all members are willing to cooperate and learn together.  There is a Chinese saying, " In a group of people with more than three individuals, there is always a teacher among them. "  Participants will receive feedbacks from the peels during team work. Useful and precise feedbacks will boost receiver's intelligent development and broad their knowledge horizontally. In addition, teamwork will provide chances for participants to challenge their cognitive capacities. During the team work time, participants are required to stay focused and contribute to their task. Therefore, teamwork will improve cognitive skills, such as attention, memory, and information organization. Meanwhile, the latter will boosts participants' ability to focus, learn, and solve problems. Some studies show that being team members will help them to understand topics or tasks more thoroughly and easily,  especially for certain sophistical topics or tasks. In conclusion, team activity will contribute to the growth of team member's cognitive skills and intelligence as well. Moreover, team work will assist members to practice their mental abilities. Therefore, I believe that teamwork will benefit people and help them become smarter.
As we all know, it is a long journey for a person to become a scholar.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teamwork
will boost individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cognitive
capacity. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with them and the essay will discuss my opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is a truth that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will encourage the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cognitive
intelligence and wisdom as long as all members are willing to cooperate and learn together.  There is a Chinese saying,
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
"
In a group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with more than three individuals, there is always a teacher among them.
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Participants will receive feedbacks from the peels during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Useful and precise feedbacks will boost receiver's intelligent development and broad their knowledge
horizontally
.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teamwork
will provide chances for participants to challenge their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cognitive
capacities. During the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
time, participants
are required
 to stay focused and contribute to their task.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teamwork
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, such as attention, memory, and information organization. Meanwhile, the latter will boosts participants' ability to focus, learn, and solve problems.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that being team members will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to understand topics or tasks more
thoroughly
and
easily
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
especially
for certain sophistical topics or tasks.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
activity will contribute to the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
member's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and intelligence
as well
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will assist members to practice their mental abilities.
Therefore
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teamwork
will benefit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them become smarter.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that a persons improve their intellectual skills more when doing a group activity. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
228 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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