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Some people think secondary students should study international news as a school subject but others suggest that it is a waste of students valuable school time Discuss both and give your opinion v.1

Some people think secondary students should study international news as a school subject but others suggest that it is a waste of students valuable school time 1
The advancement in a technology has altered the way of people interact with each other. People often talk either this shift is a positive or a negative impact on the development of relationships those humans make. In my opinion, its benefits outweigh its drawbacks. To begin with, technology has many positive aspects to make a relationship stronger and better by improving the field of a communication. Today, a multitude of companies works with their customers through an online platform. Moreover, they built a strong link with a customer through their all day services using the Internet. This progress of a science plays an essential role in the life of people, who are far away from their families, working in foreign countries. Now, they are kept in touch with their beloved ones via Whatsapp, Facebook, and Skype. On the other hand, it has brought a number of negative effects in the lives of humans. It is a direct attack on their social life. People do not want to meet their family members. Whereas, they are pleased with virtual friends of a social media. A relation development through technology is not a time resistant and have a lack of trust. For example, a study conducted in the USA which reveals that 75% of high school children depute their 50% time on the Internet. To conclude, the interaction between people entirely depends on the way they use a machinery. It brings many useful aspects in human lives, but it has also affected their privacy.
The advancement in a technology has altered the way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
interact with each other.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
talk either this shift is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the development of relationships those humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
. In my opinion, its benefits outweigh its drawbacks.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, technology has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a relationship stronger and better by improving the field of a communication.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, a multitude of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
works with their customers through an online platform.
Moreover
, they built a strong link with a customer through their all day services using the Internet. This progress of a science plays an essential role in the life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who are far away from their families, working in foreign countries.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
in touch with their beloved ones via
Possible spelling mistake found.
Whatsapp
, Facebook, and Skype.

On the other hand
, it has brought a number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of humans. It is a direct attack on their social life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
do not want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their family members.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
pleased
with virtual friends of a social
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "medium"?
media
. A relation development through technology is not a time resistant and have a lack of trust.
For example
, a study conducted in the USA which reveals that 75% of high school children depute their 50% time on the Internet.

To conclude
, the interaction between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
entirely
depends on the way they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a machinery. It brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
useful aspects in human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
their privacy.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think secondary students should study international news as a school subject but others suggest that it is a waste of students valuable school time 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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