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Some people think personal happiness directly depend on economic success, others believe this depend on other factors

Some people think personal happiness directly depend on economic success, others believe this depend on other factors KlyGM
Several humans believe that privite satisfaction Is related to funding achievement, while others believe it Is depend on alternative elements. In the following paragraph, I will clarify my ideas with some evidences. It Is evident that, more and more individuals say that economic success Is more crucial than anything in human's happiness. In addition, if person has got adequate money, he or she can purchase concepts which he or she wants and this Is very beneficial in everywhere. Although, economic value Is very vital for happy life, other concepts are also very necessary to be Lucky. For instanse, love, religion, relationships, health and so on. If this type of thing are not available, citizens can not be lucky in my opinion. Meanwhile, some humans dedicate themselves for economic fund and work to be happy, others try to improve their health, relationships and this kind of elements. Because both of them are valuable. Despite of some ideas, I can say that even though individuals have enough money but if they have not family or friends, they can not be very Lucky. On the other hand, everything in this life really depends on people themselves. By contrast, some people have got wealth but have not got health, others have it's opposite. Thus, citizens should endeavor keep their health and if they can try to be wealth. Nevertheless, healthy human Is very happy person in this life, if he or she realize. If people can kept their health, the fund comes by itself. Last but no least, some people only try to be happy with some act that related to money. Actually, to be happy we should develop our relationships and our health also. By way of conclusion, I Pen down saying that happiness of human Is not only depend on currency and economy, it Is also related to other important concepts that I mentioned above.
Several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
believe that
Possible spelling mistake found.
privite
satisfaction
Is related
to funding achievement, while others believe it Is
Consider using a past participle here: "depended".
depend
on alternative elements. In the following paragraph, I will clarify my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
evidences.

It Is evident that, more and more individuals say that economic success Is more crucial than anything in human's happiness.
In addition
, if person has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
adequate money, he or she can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
concepts which he or she wants and this Is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial in everywhere. Although, economic value Is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
vital for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
concepts are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
necessary to be Lucky. For
Possible spelling mistake found.
instanse
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, religion, relationships,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. If this type of thing are not available, citizens can not be lucky in my opinion.

Meanwhile,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
dedicate themselves for economic fund and work to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, others try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, relationships and this kind of elements.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
both of them are valuable.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, I can say that
even though
individuals have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if they have not family or friends, they can not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Lucky.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, everything in this life
really
depends on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
themselves. By contrast,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
wealth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
have not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, others have it's opposite.
Thus
, citizens should endeavor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and if they can try to be wealth.
Nevertheless
, healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
Is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
person in this life, if he or she
The pronoun 'she' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "realizes", "realized".
realize
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, the fund
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
by itself. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
no least,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
try to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
act that related to money. Actually, to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
we should develop our relationships and our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
also
.

By way of conclusion, I Pen down saying that happiness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
Is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
depend on currency and economy, it Is
also
related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
concepts that I mentioned above.
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IELTS essay Some people think personal happiness directly depend on economic success, others believe this depend on other factors

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
313 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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