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The declining health of the general public

The declining health of the general public RRVV8
The declining health of the general public is one of the major problems that we currently face. Some ways are suggested to tackle this problem one of them is by providing more sports facilities. While some people believe that it will improve the public’s health, others doubt its effectiveness. The party who supports this idea claims that by providing the public with more sports facilities it will encourage people to exercise more. If for an example a person who has just gotten home from work and wants to exercise but happens to have no such facilities nearby, it would be a hassle for the person to visit a place that is far. This claim is furthermore supported by the fact that by doing sports, it improves both physical and mental health such as reducing stress. However, some claims that building sports facilities will not be very effective in handling this problem. They stated that the declining of the general health are not solely dependent on sports. When talking about health, maintaining a healthy diet also has a major impact on one’s health. Furthermore, there has been an enormous case of people who suffers from heart disease although they exercise regularly. This is mainly cause because they have a poor diet containing high levels of sugars, fats and cholesterol. Also, since not all people takes interest on sports, it is suggested that the government build parks with light workout equipments instead of these facilities. All in all, I think that building sport facilities are not the only way to improve the general health. We must take in consideration on other factors and decide which action is more beneficial.
The declining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the
Consider using "public".
general public
is one of the major problems that we
currently
face.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
ways
are suggested
to tackle this problem one of them is by providing more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the public’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, others doubt its effectiveness.

The party who supports this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
claims that by providing the public with more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities it will encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to exercise more. If for an example a person who has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
gotten home from work and wants to exercise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
happens to have no such facilities nearby, it would be a hassle for the person to visit a place
that is
far. This claim is
furthermore
supported by the fact that by doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
both physical and mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
such as reducing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
claims that building
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities will not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
effective in handling this problem. They stated that the declining of the general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
are not
solely
dependent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. When talking about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, maintaining a healthy diet
also
has a major impact on one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Furthermore
, there has been an enormous case of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who suffers from heart disease although they exercise
regularly
. This is
mainly
Consider using a past participle here: "caused".
cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have a poor diet containing high levels of sugars, fats and cholesterol.
Also
, since not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
takes
interest on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, it
is suggested
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
build parks with light workout equipments
instead
of these facilities.

All in all, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that building
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
facilities are not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take in consideration on other factors and decide which action is more beneficial.
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IELTS essay The declining health of the general public

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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