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Some people think money is the best gift to give youngsters, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion v.5

Some people think money is the best gift to give youngsters, while others disagree. 5
These days, gifts are common and they are usually appreciated by the recipients. Some people believe that money is the best present for the youth while others argue that financial aids towards education or vocational skills acquisition are the most important gifts to youngsters. I support this latter view. On the one hand, monetary gift often maker youngsters excited and happy. This is because they will be able to finance their immediate needs since they are usually unemployed and they want to be at par with the lifestyle of their associates and those portray in the media. For instance, many youths want the latest designer clothes and mobile devices, thus, they can be easily influenced by their peers who desire similar items to be involved in crime. However, if these ones receive cash as a gift, they will be able to meet their needs without was involved in crime and if they are well guided, they can even use the money to start a business or to pay their tuition while in college. On the other hand, some people are of the view that providing quality education or vocational skills is the best present for teenagers. This is because education and technical skills, prepare teenagers for the future, increasing their chance of being employed in a competitive world and becoming self-sufficient. For example, a youngster who receives a financial grant while in the medical school, will be focused with little worries during the course of her training. When she becomes a medical doctor, she will be gainfully employed, able to afford her material wants and desires, and she can even provide financial assistants to young ones who are in need. Therefore, I agree with this viewpoint. In conclusion, so the money would help the youths meet their immediate needs, I believe that in the long-run, technical and educational grants are the best presents. As a result, contributions toward financing youngsters' education and skills acquisition should be encouraged.
These days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
common and
they are
usually
appreciated by the recipients.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that money is the best present for the youth while others argue that financial aids towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
or vocational
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "skills'" or "skill's"?
skills
acquisition are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
to youngsters. I support this latter view.

On the one hand, monetary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
maker youngsters excited and happy. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will be able to finance their immediate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
since they are
usually
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
unemployed and
they want to be at par with the lifestyle of their associates and those portray in the media.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youths want the latest designer clothes and mobile devices,
thus
, they can be
easily
influenced by their peers who desire similar items to
be involved
in crime.
However
, if
This phrase is probably grammatically incorrect. Write "these" instead.
these ones
receive cash as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
, they will be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
without
was involved
in crime and if they are well guided, they can even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a business or to pay their tuition while in college.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the view that providing quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
or vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
is the best present for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, prepare
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
for the future, increasing their chance of
being employed
in a competitive world and becoming self-sufficient.
For example
, a youngster who receives a financial grant while in the medical school, will
be focused
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
worries during the course of her training. When she becomes a medical doctor, she will be
gainfully
employed, able to afford her material wants and desires, and she can even provide financial assistants to young ones who are in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this viewpoint.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the money would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the youths
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their immediate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
, I believe that in the long-run, technical and educational grants are the best presents.
As a result
, contributions toward financing youngsters'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
acquisition should
be encouraged
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
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IELTS essay Some people think money is the best gift to give youngsters, while others disagree. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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