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Some people think money is the best gift to give youngsters, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion v.2

Some people think money is the best gift to give youngsters, while others disagree. 2
Some people believe that money is the perfect gift for the youth while others argue that financial aids towards education are the most important. These days, gifts are common and they are usually appreciated by the recipients. On the one hand, a monetary gift often makes youngsters excited and happy. This is because they will be able to finance their immediate needs since they are usually unemployed and they want to be at par with the lifestyle of their associates and those portrayed in the media. For instance, many youths want the latest designer clothes and mobile devices, thus, they can be easily influenced by their peers who desire similar items to be involved in crime. However, if they receive money, they will be able to meet their needs without being involved in crime and if they are well guided, they can even use it to start a business or to pay their tuition while in college. On the other hand, some people are of the view that providing quality education is the best gift for teenagers because it prepares them for the future, increasing their chance of being employed in a competitive world and becoming self-sufficient. To illustrate, a youngster who receives a financial grant while in medical school will be able to focus more during her training. When she becomes a medical doctor, she will be gainfully employed, able to afford her material wants and desires, and she can even provide financial assistance to young ones who are in need. Therefore, I agree with this viewpoint. In conclusion, although the money would help the youths meet their immediate needs, I believe that in the long-run, educational grants are the best gifts. Therefore, contributions toward financing youngsters' education should be encouraged and prioritized.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that money is the perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
for the youth while others argue that financial aids towards education are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. These days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
common and
they are
usually
appreciated by the recipients.

On the one hand, a monetary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
youngsters excited and happy. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to finance their immediate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
since they are
usually
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
unemployed and
they want to be at par with the lifestyle of their associates and those portrayed in the media.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youths want the latest designer clothes and mobile devices,
thus
, they can be
easily
influenced by their peers who desire similar items to
be involved
in crime.
However
, if they receive money, they will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
without
being involved
in crime and if they are well guided, they can even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a business or to pay their tuition while in college.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the view that providing quality education is the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it prepares them for the future, increasing their chance of
being employed
in a competitive world and becoming self-sufficient. To illustrate, a youngster who receives a financial grant while in medical school will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to focus more during her training. When she becomes a medical doctor, she will be
gainfully
employed,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to afford her material wants and desires, and she can even provide financial assistance to young ones who are in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this viewpoint.

In conclusion
, although the money would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the youths
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their immediate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
, I believe that in the long-run, educational grants are the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
.
Therefore
, contributions toward financing youngsters' education should
be encouraged
and prioritized.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some people think money is the best gift to give youngsters, while others disagree. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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