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Some people think giving time to career improvement is more important, others believe giving time to family and friends is more important. Discuss both views, and give your opinion. v.3

Some people think giving time to career improvement is more important, others believe giving time to family and friends is more important. v. 3
The argument, over whether more time should be allocated to a career or to kith and kin, has not been settled yet. It is often argued by some that spending more time for a better future is imperative to have a luxurious life. Meanwhile, others still claim that quality time with family is important for a breakthrough from a monotonous routine. This essay will explore both sides of the arguments before reaching a logical opinion. On the one hand, the supporters of the idea that extended time for a career is essential, believe that a successful career brings prosperity in life. When a person earns a hefty amount of money, he would have all facilities in life as compared to others. Take an example of a survey report published in the Daily Times revealed that the lives of employees who are doing overtime are more fulfilling as compared to the regular workers. Thus, to some extent, staying more determinant for career improvement brings betterment in life. While on the other hand, the advocates of the view that the more in the company of loved ones believe that it is important to refresh the mind after a hectic routine. Since following the same routine for a long duration can cause exhaustion, so friends and family can give relief from the issues. For instance, a study conducted in Australia concluded that people who stay with family for longer duration are more enthusiastic and motivated at the workplace. Hence, giving more time to family bring peace of mind. Whereas, I believe that a balance should be maintained between both to get the benefit. Spending excessive time at work can cause burnout while staying more with family and friends can cause a financial crisis. Therefore, time should be wisely managed between both of them. To sum up, from my perspective, both contain equally important because family and friends can give emotional comfort and career improvement gives a quality lifestyle.
The argument, over whether more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should
be allocated
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
or to kith and kin, has not
been settled
yet
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for a better future is imperative to have a luxurious life. Meanwhile, others
still
claim that quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a breakthrough from a monotonous routine. This essay will explore both sides of the arguments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a logical opinion.

On the one hand, the supporters of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
is essential, believe that a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
brings prosperity in life. When a person earns a hefty amount of money, he would have all facilities in life as compared to others. Take an example of a survey report published in the Daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Times
revealed that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of employees who are doing overtime are more fulfilling as compared to the regular workers.
Thus
, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, staying more determinant for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
improvement brings betterment in life.

While
on the other hand
, the advocates of the view that the more in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones believe that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to refresh the mind after a hectic routine. Since following the same routine for a long duration can cause exhaustion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
friends and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can give relief from the issues.
For instance
, a study conducted in Australia concluded that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who stay with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
for longer duration are more enthusiastic and motivated at the workplace.
Hence
, giving more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
bring peace of mind.

“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, I believe that a balance should
be maintained
between both to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the benefit. Spending excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at work can cause burnout while staying more with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends can cause a financial crisis.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should be
wisely
managed between both of them.

To sum up, from my perspective, both contain
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends can give emotional comfort and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
improvement gives a quality lifestyle.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people think giving time to career improvement is more important, others believe giving time to family and friends is more important. v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
325 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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