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some people that music should be integrated into school’s curriculum whereas others believe that it is the best if students can learn more about computer and science instead.

some people that music should be integrated into school’s curriculum whereas others believe that it is the best if students can learn more about computer and science instead. yPrGd
It is thought by some people that music should be integrated into school’s curriculum whereas others believe that it is the best if students can learn more about computer and science instead. In my opinion, the school should focus on computer and science. The two sides are elaborated below. It is an indisputable fact that music represents the culture of a region; thus, people often looked deep into the development of the music to investigate how people’s taste and music style have changed throughout the history. Not only the change in music, but sometimes the lyrics in songs can tell stories of human and reflect the thoughts and ideas commonly shared within a specific generation. Despite the cultural and historical value of music that contributes to recording important memories in the past, it is undeniable that music industry has successfully enhanced the economic growth of several countries; for instance, when it comes to travelling, Korea is a prior choice to a lots of people as its music has become increasingly popular which attracts abundance of fans in different parts of the globe. However, on my perspective, it is a fact that people are highly depending on the computer technology and science on daily basis including the phones, computer, and internet we used. Not to mention the importance of scientific techniques contribute to the medical fields, transportation, and communication, which all point out the fact that computer technology and science are supporting our life in a very large scale and by understanding computer and science, we are also learning about how the world works in this age. Furthermore, the skills in computer and science is more in need nowadays, especially when the recent pandemic has leaded to the ongoing increases in cases and deaths, the collapse in economics, and perhaps unpredictable disasters in the future that nobody is dare to foresee. The world has seen how ridiculous political decisions which clearly did not follow the suggestions given by the professions and scientists have leaded to one of the biggest modern tragedies. This indicates that many people are still having a lack of knowledge in science, increasing the ignorance towards the importance of science and data made by computers, which worsen the situation caused by the pandemic. In conclusion, although it is indisputable that music is important in many ways, it is still a fact that people should learn more about computer and science as they occupied most of our daily life, but also equally importantly, to make wiser decisions when similar destruction such as pandemic becomes viral.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
be integrated
into school’s curriculum whereas others believe that it is the best if students can learn more about computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
instead
. In my opinion, the school should focus on computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
. The two sides
are elaborated
below.

It is an indisputable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
represents the culture of a region;
thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
looked deep into the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to investigate how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
taste and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
style have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
throughout the history. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the lyrics in songs can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
stories of human and reflect the thoughts and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
commonly
shared within a specific generation. Despite the cultural and historical value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
that contributes to recording
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
memories in the past, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry has
successfully
enhanced the economic growth of several countries;
for instance
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to travelling, Korea is a prior choice to
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a lot" or simply "lots"?
a lots
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has become
increasingly
popular which attracts abundance of fans in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
parts of the globe.

However
, on my perspective, it is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
highly
depending on the computer technology and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
on daily basis including the phones, computer, and internet we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
. Not to mention the importance of scientific techniques contribute to the medical fields, transportation, and communication, which all point out the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that computer technology and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
are supporting our life in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
large scale and by understanding computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, we are
also
learning about how the world works in this age.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
is more in need nowadays,
especially
when the recent pandemic has leaded to the ongoing increases in cases and deaths, the collapse in economics, and perhaps unpredictable disasters in the future that nobody is
Consider using a past participle here: "dared", "durst".
dare
to foresee. The world has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
how ridiculous political decisions which
clearly
did not follow the suggestions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the professions and scientists have leaded to one of the biggest modern tragedies. This indicates that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
still
having a lack of knowledge in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, increasing the ignorance towards the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and data made by computers, which worsen the situation caused by the pandemic.

In conclusion
, although it is indisputable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways, it is
still
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should learn more about computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
as they occupied most of our daily life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
equally
importantly
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
wiser decisions when similar destruction such as pandemic becomes viral.
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IELTS essay some people that music should be integrated into school’s curriculum whereas others believe that it is the best if students can learn more about computer and science instead.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
426 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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