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Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. AD2M
Graduation from university or college and stepping into the working world is a big milestone in every person’s life. For a lot of people that is the first job, through which they learn how to behave with colleagues and bosses, how to use their income or pay taxes. Therefore, a part of society believes it should be mandatory that people work for a short period of time during the teenage years while still in school, in order to get to know how the world of work functions. On one hand, this isn’t a good idea because teenagers should be able to enjoy their youth, spend more time with friends and family, and lastly, they already have too much stress because of their education and constant studying. First of all, students from thirteen to nineteen years of age are still young, and they should be able to do what most of their peers around the world do: read, play sports or video games, spend time outside. Moreover, this part of their life is crucial for socializing, and thus it shall be spent in the company of their friends, siblings and parents. Finally, children this age are exposed to stress and even anxiety because of obligations related to school and studying, thereby a job could cause them to worry even more, which may lead to serious problems with mental health. On the other hand, the advantages of teenagers entering the working world include learning how the work enviroment looks like and how it functions, how to use money, and how to become independent. Firstly, because of the fact that the work sphere is complicated and even confusive for young people, they should get to know it earlier, which will reduce the fear and anxiety they can feel after graduating and before getting their first job. Secondly, this could also help them develop their spending, saving and investing habits when it comes to money, as children are rarely aware how much their parents have to work to provide them everyday needs. At the end, this will help their feeling of independence which could emerge earlier than it usually does, due to their gained knowledge about the work environement, wages and other adult obligations. In conclusion, I believe that there are more advantages and possible benefits of teenage children spending a short period of time working, and I agree this should be introduced to the education system because of the abovementioned arguments.
Graduation from university or college and stepping into the working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
milestone in every person’s life. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that is
the
first
job, through which they learn how to behave with colleagues and bosses, how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their income or pay taxes.
Therefore
, a part of society believes it should be mandatory that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for a short period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
during the teenage years while
still
in school, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
functions.

On one hand, this isn’t a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should be able to enjoy their youth, spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with friends and family, and
lastly
, they already have too much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their education and constant studying.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, students from thirteen to nineteen years of age are
still
young, and they should be able to do what most of their peers around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
do: read, play sports or video games, spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
outside.
Moreover
, this part of their life is crucial for socializing, and
thus
it shall
be spent
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of their friends, siblings and parents.
Finally
, children this age
are exposed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and even anxiety
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of obligations related to school and studying, thereby a job could cause them to worry even more, which may lead to serious problems with mental health.

On the other hand
, the advantages of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
entering the working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
include learning how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
Possible spelling mistake found.
enviroment
looks like and how it functions, how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
money, and how to become independent.
Firstly
,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
sphere
is complicated
and even
Possible spelling mistake found.
confusive
for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know it earlier, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the fear and anxiety they can feel after graduating and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
getting their
first
job.
Secondly
, this could
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them develop their spending, saving and investing habits when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to money, as children are rarely aware how much their parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to provide them everyday needs. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their feeling of independence which could emerge earlier than it
usually
does, due to their gained knowledge about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
Possible spelling mistake found.
environement
, wages and other adult obligations.

In conclusion
, I believe that there are more advantages and possible benefits of teenage children spending a short period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
working, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
this should
be introduced
to the education system
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
abovementioned
arguments.

IELTS essay Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
408 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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