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Some people spend a lot of money attending cultural or sports events. Is it a good or a bad thing? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.

Some people spend a lot of money attending cultural or sports events. Is it a good or a bad thing? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience. 7aa83
Definitely a good development, gives something for people to aspire to. It also most likely begets higher revenues for the performers and promoters, which should ultimately lead to a even more events. This undoubtedly leads to greater monetary and cultural wealth for a society. Take for example the English Premier League (EPL), this entertainment spectacle has brought considerable wealth into cities such as Manchester, Liverpool and London. Higher ticket prices lead to better wages for football stars, which lead to more quality players wanting to play in the EPL, leading to a considerable increase in high net-worth individuals residing in these cities. There has undoubtedly been a positive self-fulfilling cycle of improvement and quality, fuelled by increasing prices. Furthermore high prices will most likely mean higher tax revenues for the government, this is definitely beneficial for society.
Definitely a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
development, gives something for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to aspire to. It
also
most likely begets higher revenues for the performers and promoters, which should
ultimately
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
even more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. This
undoubtedly
leads to greater monetary and cultural wealth for a society.

Take
for example
the English Premier League (EPL), this entertainment spectacle has brought considerable wealth into cities such as Manchester, Liverpool and London. Higher ticket prices
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to better wages for football stars, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to more quality players wanting to play in the EPL, leading to a considerable increase in high net-worth individuals residing in these cities.

There has
undoubtedly
been a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
self-fulfilling cycle of improvement and quality, fuelled by increasing prices.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
high prices will most likely mean higher tax revenues for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, this is definitely beneficial for society.
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IELTS essay Some people spend a lot of money attending cultural or sports events. Is it a good or a bad thing? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
137 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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