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Some people say that young people can only entertain themselvs in front of a screen. What do you think?

Some people say that young people can only entertain themselvs in front of a screen. What do you think? g5GO7
People hold different opinions about whether screen entertainment is the only way for the young to amuse themselves. While I accept that screen entertainment has gained the popularity of youngsters, I believe young people still have different ways to unwind. On the one hand, relaxing in front of a screen like a TV or a smartphone is in the young’s favour for some reasons. Firstly, there have been a number of channels catering for users' purposes ranging from recreational to educational ones, which enables young people to educate themselves as well as unwind after a tiring day at work or at school. Secondly, getting access to such channels has become easy as what the young need is a smartphone or a TV connected to the internet which is used worldwide. On the other hand, reading makes up an important proportion of ways young people relax. To begin with, thanks to advancements in printing techniques, books have now been illustrated vividly and lively; therefore, young readers find it an informative way not only to relax but also to enrich their minds. Besides, reading in a tranquil library is what youngsters do frequently, as they do not have to pay to read and can avoid eye strain due to sitting in front of a screen for a long period of time. In addition, outdoor time is another way of relaxing young people. Not only is mental health important, but physical health is also crucial to the young. Being aware of that, they regularly spend their free time in sports centers, or they also take part in outdoor competitive games in order to stay healthy. In conclusion, although screen entertainment is an irreplaceable way for young people to relax, reading books and outdoor activities are what the young have also taken into consideration to balance their mental and physical health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
entertainment is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
to amuse themselves. While I accept that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
entertainment has gained the popularity of youngsters, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to unwind. On the one hand, relaxing in front of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
like a TV or a smartphone is in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.
Firstly
, there have been a number of channels catering for users' purposes ranging from recreational to educational ones, which enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to educate themselves
as well
as unwind after a tiring day at work or at school.
Secondly
, getting access to such channels has become easy as what the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
need is a smartphone or a TV connected to the internet which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
worldwide.
On the other hand
, reading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
up an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
relax. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, thanks to advancements in printing techniques, books have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
been illustrated
vividly
and lively;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
readers find it an informative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to relax
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to enrich their minds.
Besides
, reading in a tranquil library is what youngsters do
frequently
, as they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay to read and can avoid eye strain due to sitting in front of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
for a long period of time.

In addition
, outdoor time is another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
of relaxing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
is mental health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
physical health is
also
crucial to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
. Being aware of that, they
regularly
spend their free time in sports centers, or they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in outdoor competitive games in order to stay healthy.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
entertainment is an irreplaceable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to relax, reading books and outdoor activities are what the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
have
also
taken into consideration to balance their mental and physical health.
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IELTS essay Some people say that young people can only entertain themselvs in front of a screen. What do you think?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
307 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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