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Some people say that what children watch influences their behavior. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behavior most. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people say that what children watch influences their behavior. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behavior most. DARj
It is often argued that children 's behaviour is influenced by the content which they watch, while other individuals say that their behaviour is influenced more by the time which they spend on television. While the content which they watch on TV has some drawbacks, I believe that the amount of time which they give programmes has more negative effects on their lives. On the one hand, there are several kinds of shows are telecasted on the TV, which does not have age restrictions, so, the pupil can be badly affected by these kinds of programs such as drug, violence, casual sex and so. They can do some wrong activity due to the impact of this. Moreover, advertisements are more common nowadays on Television channels, they persuade juvenile towards expensive things or gadgets, consequently, children irritate their parents to buy that kind of luxurious things. For instance, an article published by "Hindustan Times" showed that most broadcasters in India use advertisements to target juveniles to enhance their product sale. On the other hand, these days there is a lot of time spent by children on TV, which has several demerits for their health as well as their productivity. Firstly, there are many kinds of UV rays that are released from the TV, which has detrimental effects on their eyesight and they have to use specs in their earlier days of childhood. Furthermore, when they watch screen they have to follow a sedentary lifestyle, which can affect badly their posture and they have to face spinal problems. For example, a survey conducted by students of "Mumbai University" showed that most of the pupils in Mumbai are facing spinal issues and eyes related issues due to excessive use of TV. Secondly, children give their a lot of valuable time to television, which can be used in some useful activities such as studies, exercises and so on. To conclude, although programs that are telecasted on TV are not good for children, In my opinion time is more important for them which they continuously waste on TV and gets many detrimental effects on their lives.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is influenced
by the content which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
, while other individuals say that their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is influenced
more by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
which they spend on television. While the content which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
on TV has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks, I believe that the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
which they give
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

On the one hand, there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kinds
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
are
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "telecast", the past tense form of the verb 'telecast'?
telecasted
on the TV, which does not have age restrictions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, the pupil can be
badly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kinds
of programs such as drug, violence, casual sex and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. They can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
activity due to the impact of this.
Moreover
, advertisements are more common nowadays on Television channels, they persuade juvenile towards expensive things or gadgets,
consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
irritate their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kind
of luxurious things.
For instance
, an article published by
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Hindustan Times
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that most broadcasters in India
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
advertisements to target juveniles to enhance their product sale.

On the other hand
, these days there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on TV, which has several demerits for their health
as well
as their productivity.
Firstly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kinds
of UV rays that
are released
from the TV, which has detrimental effects on their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
eyesight and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
specs in their earlier days of childhood.
Furthermore
, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
screen they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
follow a sedentary lifestyle, which can affect
badly
their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
posture and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face spinal problems.
For example
, a survey conducted by students of
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Mumbai University
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that most of the pupils in Mumbai are facing spinal issues and eyes related issues due to excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of TV.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
give
Did you mean "there"?
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to television, which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
useful activities such as studies, exercises and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

To conclude
, although programs that are
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "telecast", the past tense form of the verb 'telecast'?
telecasted
on TV are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, In my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for them which they
continuously
waste on TV and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
detrimental effects on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
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IELTS essay Some people say that what children watch influences their behavior. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behavior most.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
351 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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