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Some people say that schools not teach music and sports because they are not related to students’ future jobs. Do you agree?

Some people say that schools not teach music and sports because they are not related to students’ future jobs. Do you agree? lLWNW
Some people say that schools not teach music and sports because they are not related to students’ future jobs. Do you agree? One of the most contemporary issues that receive concerms from various parts of the world is the alarming rate of teach the impacts of music and sports on students’ future jobs. Some people hold the view that music and sports which are not related to students’ future jobs should not be taught at school. Beside various benefit, music and sports are fraught with drawbacks that require thoughtful considerations. On the one hand, the benefits of music and sports should not be overlooked. To begin with, it sports that develop physical and mental ability. In addition, it is sports that develop the physical and mental ability, resulting in good study outcomes. Furthermore, these activities could encourage competitive spirit and teamwork which enable help students to become well-rounded individuals who contribute to economic growth. Moreover, only thanks to music could learners relieve their boredom and boost their concentration on their study through meaningful melodies. On the other hand, music and sports might have adverse impacts on individuals and the whole society ( S should be discouraged). Firstly, music and sports constitute a large amount of time that should be spent on practical subjects correlated to students’ careers. Secondly, these subjects are a skill that requires natural talents, causing boredom among individuals who have no interest in them. Finally, recruiters are not concerned about the sporting or music capacity of a candidate who applies for a job without requirements for these skills. In conclusion, despite the downsides, music and sports should be greatly appreciated on account of various upsides it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that schools not teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. Do you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
?

One of the most contemporary issues that receive
Possible spelling mistake found.
concerms
from various parts of the world is the alarming rate of teach the impacts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
which are not related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
should not
be taught
at school. Beside various benefit,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are fraught with drawbacks that require thoughtful considerations.

On the one hand, the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should not
be overlooked
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
that develop physical and mental ability.
In addition
, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
that develop the physical and mental ability, resulting in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
study outcomes.
Furthermore
, these activities could encourage competitive spirit and teamwork which enable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to become well-rounded individuals who contribute to economic growth.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thanks to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
could learners relieve their boredom and boost their concentration on their study through meaningful melodies.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
might have adverse impacts on individuals and the whole society
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
S should
be discouraged
).
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
constitute a large amount of time that should
be spent
on practical subjects correlated to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
careers.
Secondly
, these subjects are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
that requires natural talents, causing boredom among individuals who have no interest in them.
Finally
, recruiters are not concerned about the sporting or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
capacity of a candidate who applies for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
without requirements for these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
, despite the downsides,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should be
greatly
appreciated on account of various upsides it brings
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IELTS essay Some people say that schools not teach music and sports because they are not related to students’ future jobs. Do you agree?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
279 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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