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some people say that parents shouyld encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. others say it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.1

some people say that parents shouyld encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. others say it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 1
The idea that children should occupy themselves during their leisure time is a frequent topic of discussion among parents. While some people believe that children are to be encouraged to engage in organized group activities, other people think that it is beneficial for them to be able to keep themselves occupied when they are less busy. In my opinion, I believe children would benefit tremendously when they are exposed to working together in a group, rather than being independent. To begin with, it is thought by some that parents are to persuade their young ones to take part in group activities when they are less occupied and I completely agree. This is because they learn how to work with their mates when they are together as a group. With this, they gain co-operation skill which is vital for them to succeed in the work force. Again, children who take part in organized group functions are exposed to the views of their peers and as such they learn new ways of doing things. For instance, children given the task to learn a new musical instrument or compose a song can have a broader perspective to life and ensure they become valuable members of the society. Furthermore, interacting with others in various activities will help children develop competitive skills that will ultimately teach them the importance of working hard to become successful in life. On the other hand, some people say that it is necessary for children to learn how to engage themselves without others, for the reason that they learn how to become independent. A child who is able to study on his own, for instance, will be able to work independently and achieve outstanding performance with less supervision. Again, children can develop the habit of working with minimal support, if they learn how to engage themselves on their own. This skill will be useful in future when they set out on their own as it gives them an edge over and above their counterparts. In addition, they considerably become self-sufficient as they begin to realize that they can outperform others without looking up to others for support. In conclusion, while some say it is vital for children to develop how to engage themselves alone, I strongly believe it will be extremely useful for them to learn the skills of cooperation and competition when they are involved in group activities in their free time.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should occupy themselves during their leisure time is a frequent topic of discussion among parents. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are to
be encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engage
in organized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is beneficial for them to be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves occupied when they are less busy. In my opinion, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would benefit
tremendously
when they
are exposed
to working together in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
,
rather
than being independent.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that parents are to persuade their young ones to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
when they are less occupied and I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to work with their mates when they are together as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. With this, they gain co-operation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
which is vital for them to succeed in the work force. Again,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in organized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
functions
are exposed
to the views of their peers and as such they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
new ways of doing things.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the task to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
a new musical instrument or compose a song can have a broader perspective to life and ensure they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
valuable members of the society.
Furthermore
, interacting with others in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
develop competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
that will
ultimately
teach them the importance of working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
successful in life.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engage
themselves without others, for the reason that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
independent. A child who is able to study on his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
,
for instance
, will be able to work
independently
and achieve outstanding performance with less supervision. Again,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can develop the habit of working with minimal support, if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engage
themselves on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
will be useful in future when they set out on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
as it gives them an edge over and above their counterparts.
In addition
, they
considerably
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
self-sufficient as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to realize that they can outperform others without looking up to others for support.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
say it is vital for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to develop how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engage
themselves alone, I
strongly
believe it will be
extremely
useful for them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
of cooperation and competition when they
are involved
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in their free time.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay some people say that parents shouyld encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. others say it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
403 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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