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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and edges together to what extent do you agree

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and edges together to what extent do you agree om0X
In this new modern era, music play a crucial role in every person life a number of individual assert that music is the best way of decreasing discrimination about different culture and ages. I agreed with this statement but there are some adverse aspects that I have discussed in the subsequent paragraphs. To commence with, there are myriad of reason how music bringing people together. First of all, music is the best source of entertainment as sometimes people broke their hectic schedule that time they prefer to listen music to rejuvenate their mind there for individual go to the concerned with their family members friends as well then ultimately their family bonding increase. To exemplify, in a leading newspaper it was mentioned that 80% of individual think that music is the best way to reduce stress and it is maintain family bonds. Furthermore, music is the best way to to merge two countries as people listen music in other countries due to National Anthem as individual other country then definitely music bringing of different culture. However, there are also some negative points like it people go to other country to attend music concert then ultimately their own country do not developed because they always prefer to listen music in other countries. Consequently, people own countries face a lot of difficulties and in future that countries do not develop. To illustrate, in a survey it was mentioned that 60% of countries faced to numerous difficulties due to Brain drain. To recapitulate, it can be deduced that although music play detrimental effect on countries on the contrary, I personally believe that music is the best source of entertainment to relax mind as well as rejuvenate mind and there are a lot of positive aspects which cannot be overlooked.
In this new modern era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
play a crucial role in every person life a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
way of decreasing discrimination about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture and ages. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adverse aspects that I have discussed in the subsequent paragraphs.

To commence with, there are myriad of reason how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
source of entertainment as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
broke their hectic schedule that time they prefer to listen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to rejuvenate their mind there for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
go to the concerned with their family members friends
as well
then
ultimately
their family bonding increase. To exemplify, in a leading newspaper it
was mentioned
that 80% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and it is
Consider using a past participle here: "maintained".
maintain
family bonds.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
way
Possible typo: you repeated a word
to to
merge two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
listen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
due to National Anthem as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
then definitely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
bringing of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture.
However
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
points like it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
concert then
ultimately
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
do not developed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they always prefer to listen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
difficulties and in future that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
do not develop. To illustrate, in a survey it
was mentioned
that 60% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
faced to numerous difficulties due to Brain drain.

To recapitulate, it can
be deduced
that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
play detrimental effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
on the contrary
, I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
source of entertainment to relax mind
as well
as rejuvenate mind and there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects which cannot
be overlooked
.
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IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and edges together to what extent do you agree

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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