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some people say that dangerous are good for character building; others say that they put rescuers at risk. what are your views abut such activities?

some people say that dangerous are good for character building; others say that they put rescuers at risk. what are your views abut such activities? lRo9W
An unforgettable day for all of us. The day our champion of bike racing, William Anderson left us in the age of 27 risking his life in a bike race and uncontrollably his brakes weren’t working and he got thrashed with a tree. The lives of two families were compromised; his parents, wife and his three children, still thinking that their father would come now and give them a hug. I have convenient reasons to support this opinion. Even though dangerous activities are good for character building they have many side effects. Some should live days with the intention of dying, thinking that they would die now. Why are people risking themselves knowing that they would die? . Activities like bike racing, car racing, bungee jumping, surfing, water rafting etc. . should be banned because as I think they are the sports which grabs peoples lives and are considered as deaths mouth. Moreover when people are in danger rescuers should rescue them. Is it good to put their lives in danger? , the rescue attempt will put the rescuer at risk, then it is best to abandon it. People will go freely and happily do these sports activities but the rescuers should risk their lives and save them. What would happen to the poor lives of the rescuer’s families. They would be too in danger. The families should live everyday hithe sake thinking about their father or husband. On the other side, poor people don’t have high facility jobs so they choose dangerous jobs so that they could earn a living and provide shelters and food for their families
An unforgettable day for all of us. The day our champion of bike racing, William Anderson
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
us in the age of 27 risking his life in a bike race and
uncontrollably
his brakes weren’t
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
working and
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
thrashed with a tree. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
were compromised
; his parents, wife and his three children,
still
thinking that their father would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
and give them a hug.

I have convenient reasons to support this opinion.
Even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
activities are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for character building they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
side effects.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
days with the intention of dying, thinking that they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. Why are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
risking themselves knowing that they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
?
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Activities like bike racing, car racing, bungee jumping, surfing, water rafting etc.
Two consecutive dots
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
should
be banned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they are the sports which grabs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and
are considered
as deaths mouth.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rescuers
should rescue them. Is it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to put their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
?
Loose punctuation mark.
,
the rescue attempt will put the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rescuer
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
, then it is best to abandon it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
will go
freely
and
happily
do these sports activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rescuers
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and save them. What would happen to the poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rescuer’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. They would be too in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
everyday
Possible spelling mistake found.
hithe
sake thinking about their father or husband.

On the other side, poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t have high facility jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they choose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could earn a living and provide shelters and food for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
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IELTS essay some people say that dangerous are good for character building; others say that they put rescuers at risk. what are your views abut such activities?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
268 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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