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SOME PEOPLE SAY NOW THERE IS LESS COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE FAMILY MEMBERS THAN IN THE PAST. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE.

SOME PEOPLE SAY NOW THERE IS LESS COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE FAMILY MEMBERS THAN IN THE PAST. 0pQmn
Humans have developed a tendency to socialize only to an extent that gives them some fruitful results. Not only this, there is a lack of time due to the rat race to achieve the desires. Thus I strongly believe that these are some of the factors which surely impact the communication within family members. Lets begin with the teenagers, they are generally engrossed in their own life with the will of they know it all. So they hardly spend time sharing or discussing with the family. Not only this there is also a barrier of generation gap which gives them a feeling of being misunderstood. Moreover if talked about the elder generation they are pissed off in managing the responsibilities which results in compromise with family discussions. Now a days it has become a common pattern in the majority of the families that everyone meets at night due to busy life and the tiredness and stress of the whole day somewhere shrinks the communications. However technology has played a vital role in this. New inventions prove to be a boon in many ways but it has killed the family time somewhere or the other. Talking about mobile phones which are an integral part has made things more virtual. As a result of this, folks living in the same house communicate via messages through mobile. One on one interactions have reduced drastically. Even if a member is sitting with the family they are continuously busy with any of the electronic devices which makes others feel as if they are talking to walls. Playing games which used to spread a sense of happiness and increase bonding within the family is replaced with virtual games. Where in human is more happy playing with the computer. In order to summarize, I surely believe that day by day the situation is getting worse and communication is reducing. But there is always a scope of improvement and this can be enhanced by minimalistic efforts of the individuals and understanding the importance of family.
Humans have developed a tendency to socialize
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to an extent that gives them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fruitful results. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this, there is a lack of time due to the rat race to achieve the desires.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
I
strongly
believe that these are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
factors which
surely
impact the communication within
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.

Did you mean "Let's" (let's = let us; lets = 3rd person singular of 'let')?
Lets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, they are
generally
engrossed in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life with the will of they know it all.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they hardly spend
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
time sharing
or discussing with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this there is
also
a barrier of generation gap which gives them a feeling of being misunderstood.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
if talked about the elder generation they are
This word is considered offensive.
pissed
off in managing the responsibilities which results in compromise with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
discussions.
Did you mean "nowadays"?
Now a days
it has become a common pattern in the majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
that everyone meets at night due to busy life and the tiredness and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of the whole day somewhere shrinks the communications.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
technology has played a vital role in this. New inventions prove to be a boon in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has killed the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
time somewhere or the other. Talking about mobile phones which are an integral part has made things more virtual.
As a result
of this, folks living in the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
communicate via messages through mobile. One on
Don't use the number 'one' with plural words. Did you mean "one interaction", "an interaction", or simply "interactions"?
one interactions
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
drastically
. Even if a member is sitting with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
they are
continuously
busy with any of the electronic devices which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
others feel as if they are talking to walls. Playing games which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to spread a sense of happiness and increase bonding within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is replaced
with virtual games.
“Where” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Where
in human is more happy playing with the computer.

In order
to summarize
, I
surely
believe that day by day the situation is getting worse and communication is reducing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there is always a scope of improvement and this can
be enhanced
by minimalistic efforts of the individuals and understanding the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
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IELTS essay SOME PEOPLE SAY NOW THERE IS LESS COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE FAMILY MEMBERS THAN IN THE PAST.

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
337 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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