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Some people like to travel outside their country. Others would rathertravel to tourist spots in their own country first, before travellingabroad. Which do you prefer to do and why? Include specific detailsand examples to support your choice. v.6

Some people like to travel outside their country. Others would rathertravel to tourist spots in their own country first, before travellingabroad. Which do you prefer to do and why? Include specific detailsand examples to support your choice. v. 6
In the contemporary era, an education is mandatory for making absolute bright future. Some people argue that children are influenced towards job after secondary education, although according to some people, they must travel before starting University education. While both approaches have their own pros and cons, this essay will emphasise both views in following paragraphs. To commence with, children are acquiring many ascendancy by work. First and foremost, they are getting an importance of wage. By work, they are given more time to work and do the hard work, therefore they acknowledge how to earn a money. Besides this, although by attending trip, they can collect information about historical places. Not only access information, but also they make their career by collecting information as a tour guide. For example, over 35% of people in India, where they had been earned money by the tour guide. Alternatively, there are some drawbacks. Children cannot concentrate on study, because being materialistic mind through which they are thirsting towards earn a money. Consequently, they are not being made, their bright future. On the other hand, by trip, teenagers can face some difficult tragedy, because some time cases like accident and so on occur and as a result, they can face difficulty. For instance, according to Mumbai University, 7% of people had faced a handicap problem by travel. Henceforth to conclude, children can understand the value of a money and by travel, they can gather information of history, whilst they cannot focus on study and they faced some serious tragedy by travel.
In the contemporary era, an education is mandatory for making absolute bright future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are influenced
towards job after secondary education, although according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
travel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
starting University education. While both approaches have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pros and cons, this essay will
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasise' is British English.
emphasise
both views in following paragraphs.

To commence with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are acquiring
Possible agreement error. The noun ascendancy seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much ascendancy", "a good deal of ascendancy".
many ascendancy
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
First
and foremost, they are getting an importance of wage. By
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and do the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
therefore
they acknowledge how to earn a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Besides
this, although by attending trip, they can collect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about historical places. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
access
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their career by collecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
as a tour guide.
For example
, over 35% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in India, where they had
been earned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by the tour guide.

Alternatively
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
cannot concentrate on study,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
being materialistic mind through which they are thirsting towards earn a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Consequently
, they are not
being made
, their bright future.
On the other hand
, by trip,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficult tragedy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time cases like accident and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on occur and
as a result
, they can face difficulty.
For instance
, according to Mumbai University, 7% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had faced a handicap problem by travel.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Henceforth
to conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can understand the value of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and by travel, they can gather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
of history, whilst they cannot focus on
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
study and
they faced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious tragedy by travel.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people like to travel outside their country. Others would rathertravel to tourist spots in their own country first, before travellingabroad. Which do you prefer to do and why? Include specific detailsand examples to support your choice. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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