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Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money.

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. JoL15
Some people belives that Famous celebrities for example film stars, pop musicians or sports stars earns more money. I agree to this statement the particular reason for that is, there are many other fields in which people are not paid well even though the risk factors is very high. Actors works in the film for about a year and get paid is millions depend upon the fame of the movie. To illustrate that a movie named The Spiderman: Homecoming the actor Robert Downey jr. got paid 10 million dollars for just 10 minute of apperance in that movie as well as the film was super hit and earned 692 million dollar in just 6 months. And another reason is their fans the more famous the entertainer is the more fans they have. For example a sport star lauches his own brand advetise in his social media so, most of his fan might buy his merchendise and the stars also earn money from that without doing any work just from his fame. The Job such as Military, Police Department, Fire Department and some government sector jobs are not paid well enough. For instance a soldiers posting was in counties border for 6 months and the risk factor is extreme. But still not highly paid. A scientist works in deep water horizon in middle of the ocean untill their research is completed scientist cannot come back still did not earn that much money though the scientist have more knowledge and degrees that no entertainers have. To sum up everything that has been stated so far, I feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money than other types of job.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Possible spelling mistake found.
belives
that
Consider using "celebrities".
Famous celebrities
for example
film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
, pop musicians or sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
earns more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to this statement the particular reason for
that is
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other fields in which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well
even though
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
factors is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high.

Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "actor works".
Actors works
in the film for about a year and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
is millions depend upon the fame of the movie. To illustrate that a movie named The
Possible spelling mistake found.
Spiderman
: Homecoming the actor Robert Downey jr.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
10 million dollars for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
10 minute of
Possible spelling mistake found.
apperance
in that movie
as well
as the film was super hit and earned 692 million
Possible agreement error. The noun 'dollar' seems to be countable, so consider using: "dollars".
dollar
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
6 months. And another reason is their fans the more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
the entertainer is the more fans they have.
For example
a sport star
Possible spelling mistake found.
lauches
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
brand
Possible spelling mistake found.
advetise
in his social media
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, most of his fan might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
his
Possible spelling mistake found.
merchendise
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
also
earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from that without doing any work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
from his fame.

The Job such as Military, Police Department, Fire Department and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
sector jobs are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
For instance
a soldiers posting was in counties border for 6 months and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
factor is extreme.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
still
not
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
. A scientist works in deep water horizon in middle of the ocean
Possible spelling mistake found.
untill
their research
is completed
scientist cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back
still
did not earn that much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
though the scientist have more knowledge and degrees that no entertainers have.

To sum up everything that has
been stated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far, I feel that entertainers such as film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
, pop musicians or sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
than other types of job.
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IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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