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Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage?

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage? xLM6
Opening your own business is more popular nowadays rather than involving yourself with a company or an organization to work for. Some people believe that starting their own business is more beneficial than working for a certain company. In our opinion, we believe that the advantages of starting our own business surpasses the disadvantages. First of all, people who set out their business by themselves will have some drawbacks. You need a creative and an innovative mind to start a business these days. The current competition of business is already very tight. There are already so many kinds of businesses, and you will probably need to create something new that stands out to the market for success. Secondly, there will be a huge risk starting a business. There is no guarantee that your business will succeed. If the business fails, you might lose lots of your funds, even leaving debts. On the other hand, there are some advantage for people to start their own business. First, they have more flexible times rather than people who work as employee. It does not mean that they are not busy but instead they can arrange their schedule by themselves and they can do what things they are favour or their priority first. The second advantage is that being a boss will make them more independent so they will not always rely on someone to do their job. Overall, we think that people who decide to start their own business have more advantage than the disadvantage itself. However, of course at the first it will be more difficult and a creative mind is needed to make your business successful.
Opening your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is more popular nowadays
rather
than involving yourself with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or an organization to work for.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that starting their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is more beneficial than working for a certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. In our opinion, we believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
of starting our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
surpasses the disadvantages.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who set out their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
by themselves will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks. You need a creative and an innovative mind to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
these days. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
competition of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is already
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tight. There are already
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
, and you will
probably
need to create something new that stands out to the market for success.
Secondly
, there will be a huge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
starting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. There is no guarantee that your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
will succeed. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
fails, you might lose lots of your funds, even leaving debts.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
.
First
, they have more flexible times
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who work as employee. It does not mean that they are not busy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
instead
they can arrange their schedule by
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
themselves and
they can do what things they are
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
or their priority
first
. The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
is that being a boss will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more independent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will not always rely on someone to do their job.

Overall
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
than the disadvantage itself.
However
,
of course
at the
first
it will be more difficult and a creative mind
is needed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
successful.
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IELTS essay Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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