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Some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. v. 2
Whether the mature persons and the teenagers should be sentenced at the equivalent level of justice has been arisen to discuss. As I concerned, the punishment ought to be measured based on the age of the criminals. Hence, the following two perspectives are given to explain why I disagree with the topic and why teenagers need to be treated differently. Initially, the social responsibility that the mature persons take is completely different from the teenagers’. The mature persons are able to support their own life independently. However, the teenagers are not literally capable of taking the responsibility without the supervision of their parents. It is obvious that the world view and realization about the society of the teenagers could not provide them with reasonable decisions. Secondly, motivation of committing a serious crime should be investigated between teenagers and mature persons. Misleading society could allure those teenagers into committing an extreme crime. In this case, the punishment is essential for the youngster to correct the wrong-doing and modify the misbehaviour. For instance, increasing numbers of young offenders would like to rob the house or steal money from friends for achieving an imaginary life. Thereby, consideration of the age and inducement would be thoughtful for the illegal justice. In conclusion, taking the social responsibility is the greatest task for the teenagers to learn before they could take affordable risks to create cooperative motivations instead of damage the society. Thus, identical penalties that punish the mature persons and teenagers would unintentionally cause partial judgement.
Whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should
be sentenced
at the equivalent level of justice has
been arisen
to discuss. As I concerned, the punishment ought to
be measured
based on the age of the criminals.
Hence
, the following two perspectives are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I disagree with the topic and why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
need to
be treated
differently
.

Initially
, the social responsibility that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
take is completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers’
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
are able to support their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life
independently
.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are not
literally
capable of taking the responsibility without the supervision of their parents. It is obvious that the world view and realization about the society of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
could not provide them with reasonable decisions.

Secondly
, motivation of committing a serious crime should
be investigated
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
. Misleading society could allure those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
into committing an extreme crime.
In this case
, the punishment is essential for the youngster to correct the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
-doing and modify the
Possible spelling mistake. 'misbehaviour' is British English.
misbehaviour
.
For instance
, increasing numbers of young offenders would like to rob the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or steal money from friends for achieving an imaginary life. Thereby, consideration of the age and inducement would be thoughtful for the illegal justice.

In conclusion
, taking the social responsibility is the greatest task for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they could take affordable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
to create cooperative motivations
instead
of damage the society.
Thus
, identical penalties that punish the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
would
unintentionally
cause partial judgement.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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