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Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. v.9

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. v. 9
Undoubtedly, females play important roles in controlling of crime or defending against enemies in each country. Although some individuals think that women cannot become prosperous militants or members of the police force, I personally think that their roles in these sectors are definitely crucial. On the one hand, some believe that females must not be given equal opportunity to work in the police force or army. One reason behind it is that women have less physical abilities than men. Having Estrogen hormones, they usually are less capable of achieving their goals in these kinds of jobs. For example, to jump from a two-storey building, men are more powerful than women physically, and to arrest criminals, they are not as successful as men. In addition, emotionally they are less fitted than the male ones to participate in missions. In many occasions, they might be sent to battlefields to fight against drug dealers, smugglers, or even escaped prisoners, but they might not tolerate difficult situations, like facing severely injured people or horrible accidental scenes. As a result, men have better potentials not only physically, but mentally to work as a militant or policeman. On the other hand, I personally think that both genders must equally be given the same opportunity to have these kinds of jobs. One factor behind it is that have been better critical thinkers. Obviously, they have shown their roles to defend their country during the war. As a prime example, British women officers were extremely prosperous to expose the Germans` schemes in World War II. Had they been not allowed to participate in the army plans, Europe would not have defeated Germany. Furthermore, to control crime, women must be hired in police force. Clearly, their roles are really important in those societies that males are restricted to touch females. In particular, in Iran, as a prime discipline, policemen are not permitted to touch the female offenders due to Islamic prohibitions; therefore, the government has given the green line to women to have equal opportunity to work in this kind of job. In conclusion, while some may agree that females cannot become a perfect officer or army personnel, I completely disagree with them. From my point of view, because of some religious restrictions and specific abilities they have, governments must give a similar fortune to women working as a militant or police officer.
Undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
in controlling of crime or defending against enemies in each country. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
cannot become prosperous militants or members of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
force, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
in these sectors are definitely crucial.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal opportunity to work in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
force or army. One reason behind it is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have less physical abilities than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. Having Estrogen hormones, they
The adverb 'usually' is usually put after the verb 'are'.
usually are
less capable of achieving their goals in these kinds of jobs.
For example
, to jump from a
Possible spelling mistake found.
two-storey
building,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are more powerful than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
physically
, and to arrest criminals, they are not as successful as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
In addition
,
emotionally
they are less fitted than the male ones to participate in missions. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
occasions, they might be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to battlefields to fight against drug dealers, smugglers, or even escaped prisoners,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they might not tolerate difficult situations, like facing
severely
injured
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
or horrible accidental scenes.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
have better potentials not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physically
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
mentally to work as a militant or policeman.

On the other hand
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that both genders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
equally
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the same opportunity to have these kinds of jobs. One factor behind it is that have been better critical thinkers.
Obviously
, they have shown their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
to defend their country during the war. As a prime example, British
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
officers were
extremely
prosperous to expose the Germans` schemes in World War II. Had they been not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to participate in the army plans, Europe would not have defeated Germany.
Furthermore
, to control crime,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be hired
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
force.
Clearly
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
are
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in those societies that males
are restricted
to touch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
.
In particular
, in Iran, as a prime discipline, policemen are not permitted to touch the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
offenders due to Islamic prohibitions;
therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the green line to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to have equal opportunity to work in this kind of job.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
cannot become a perfect officer or army personnel, I completely disagree with them. From my point of view,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
religious restrictions and specific abilities they have,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
give a similar fortune to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
working as a militant or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
officer.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
394 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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