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Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

There is no doubt that television programs and computer games have effect on society. While some people accept bad effects on the society influenced by the computer games and TV programs, others argue that no damaging effect is inserted into the society through these programs. I tend to former argument in the statement, and in this essay I will explore my view with examples. The visual games and TV shows has significant factors on human behavior especially on young children and teenage or even adults. However programmers and broadcast companies earn a big amount of money from their visual shows, it effect the society. To illustrate with example, I would choose the effects of violence TV shows with the name of prison break which contains offensive contents. The teens watch the murders and gun shots, and they create a mindset of becoming a super hero with killing people, where it is just a crime. In other hand, let’s pick the second subject of video games and explore its bad effect on the society. The video games is directly playing with the mind of children. It waste the time of kids while they need to study. The visual programs drift the focus of children or even the adults from study and work toward wasting of time. Also, it has damaging effects on eyes and brain. To sum up, there are many people who believe in damaging effects of video games and TV programs while others deny this. In my view the video games and TV shows has bad effects on society.
There is no doubt that television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
accept
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
influenced by the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
, others argue that no damaging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
is inserted
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
through these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
. I tend to former argument in the statement, and in this essay I will explore my view with examples.

The visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
has significant factors on human behavior
especially
on young children and teenage or even adults.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
programmers and broadcast
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
earn a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of money from their visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
, it
After ‘it’, use the third-person verb form “effects”.
effect
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. To illustrate with example, I would choose the effects of violence TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
with the name of prison break which contains offensive contents. The teens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the murders and gun shots, and they create a mindset of becoming a
This is normally spelled as one word.
super hero
with killing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, where it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a crime.

In other hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
’s pick the second subject of
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video
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games
and explore its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
directly
playing with the mind of children. It
After ‘It’, use the third-person verb form “wastes”.
waste
the time of kids while they need to study. The visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
drift the focus of children or even the adults from study and work toward wasting of time.
Also
, it has damaging effects on eyes and brain.

To sum up, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who believe in damaging effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
while others deny this. In my view the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.

IELTS essay Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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