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Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Opinions are divided as to whether adolescents should spend their leisure time on helping the local community without payments or not. Some hold a belief that it merits not only individually but also socially. Personally, I completely disagree with this point of view. For a variety of reasons, it would be wrong to force young students to do unpaid works for the local in their school break. Firstly, teenagers are at the age of learning and they have to meet quite a lot of deadlines for homework. If they take time out to do unrelated jobs, there will not be time left for their study and some other activities for the comprehensive development, such as doing extra - curriculum activities, playing sport and so forth. Therefore, occupying their little free time is obviously not proper and unfair. Secondly, teenagers may not be physically strong enough and lack the necessary labor skills. This may easily lead to unwanted accidents at workplaces. Finally, the local residents are able to ask for help from diverse resources even without any effort rather than taking advantage of the young, and it may yield a much better result. In my opinion, adolescents who help their community as a workforce do not benefit from what they do and they even will be the low-quality employees in the future society. In fact, learning is the most effective way of generating a well-educated workforce for the contemporary economy and educating good citizens for a healthy society. Case in point, in numerous parts of Vietnam, the young aged around 15 to 20 are considering making ends meet top priority, and this situation is originating the fact that they are not qualified and skillful enough as requirements of most enterprises. As a result, their applications were denied because of lacking a sense of discipline and labor skills. In conclusion, the choice of whether helping the local or not belongs to teenagers, but I believe that we should not require them to do works which are others' responsibility.
Opinions
are divided
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
adolescents should spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on helping the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
community without payments or not.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
hold a belief that it merits not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
individually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
socially
.
Personally
, I completely disagree with this point of view.

For a variety of reasons, it would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to force young students to do unpaid works for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
in their school break.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are at the age of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
learning and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
deadlines for homework. If they take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
out to do unrelated jobs, there will not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
for their study and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other activities for the comprehensive development, such as doing extra
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
curriculum activities, playing sport and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth.
Therefore
, occupying their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is
obviously
not proper and unfair.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
may not be
physically
strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and lack the necessary labor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. This may
easily
lead to unwanted accidents at workplaces.
Finally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
residents are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from diverse resources even without any effort
rather
than taking advantage of the young, and it may yield a much better result.

In my opinion, adolescents who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their community as a workforce do not benefit from what they
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
do and
they even will be the low-quality employees in the future society. In fact, learning is the most effective way of generating a well-educated workforce for the contemporary economy and educating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizens for a healthy society. Case in point, in numerous parts of Vietnam, the young aged around 15 to 20 are considering making ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
top priority, and this situation is originating the fact that they are not qualified and skillful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
as requirements of most enterprises.
As a result
, their applications
were denied
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lacking a sense of discipline and labor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
, the choice of whether helping the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
or not belongs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that we should not require them to do works which are others' responsibility.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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