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Some people believe that team sports are very important for children to succeed in their career, others disagree? Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people believe that team sports are very important for children to succeed in their career, others disagree? v. 2
Many people think that sports which are based on teamwork, are very significant for children in order to be successful in their careers, whereas others disagree with this idea. As well as giving my opinion, this essay will discuss why group sports are entirely important for children’s future job prospects, and why these sports may be considered as insignificant. On the one hand, there are people who think that group sports play an important role in children’s career prospects. The main reason of this is that teamwork skills have become a necessity in the job market, and this skill can be improved by attending group sports. If children do not learn teamwork skills, it will be difficult to find a job for them, which can be satisfactory, in the future. For instance, big companies more prefer employing graduates which have cooperation skills. Another reason is that it is thought that children can improve their academic performance if they can learn how to cooperate with each other. To illustrate, studies have revealed that children who attend team sports such as football, basketball, and volleyball on a regular basis, perform better in collective assignments in school than those who don’t prefer attending team sports. In turn, they get more chance to enter into top universities. Therefore, team sports are notably important in their future job prospects. On the one hand, some people believe that sports which are based on cooperation are not important at all in children’s career. So, why do these people hold this opinion? The main reason of this may be that they believe that competitive sports are more important than team sports. For example, small businesses expect competitive skills from graduates these days because the job market has become competitive over a few decades. However, education experts suggest that competitive sports promote aggressive behaviours among children, and aggressive personalities will hardly find jobs who are paid high salaries. Thus, these people think that team sports are not important because the job market is fiercely competitive. In conclusion, the fact that team sports are very significant or not is increasingly a discussion topic among individuals. This essay discussed why team sports are totally important, and why they may be unimportant in a few situations. In my opinion, team sports are completely important because children can effortlessly be more successful in their career in the future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
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sports
which
are based
on teamwork, are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
significant for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to be successful in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
, whereas others disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.
As well
as giving my opinion, this essay will discuss why group
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sports
are
entirely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
prospects, and why these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
may
be considered
as insignificant.

On the one hand, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
play an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
prospects. The main reason of this is that teamwork
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
have become a necessity in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market, and this
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skill
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
by attending group
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sports
. If
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children
do not learn teamwork
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, it will be difficult to find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for them, which can be satisfactory, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
more prefer employing graduates which have cooperation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. Another reason is that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their academic performance if they can learn how to cooperate with each other. To illustrate, studies have revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as football, basketball, and volleyball on a regular basis, perform better in collective assignments in school than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
don’t prefer attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. In turn, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more chance to enter into top universities.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
notably
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
prospects.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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people
believe that
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sports
which
are based
on cooperation are not
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important
at all in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, why do these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold this opinion? The main reason of this may be that they believe that
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competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
businesses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
from graduates these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market has become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
over a few decades.
However
, education experts suggest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
promote aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and aggressive personalities will hardly find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are paid
high salaries.
Thus
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market is
fiercely
competitive.

In conclusion
, the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
significant or not is
increasingly
a discussion topic among individuals. This essay discussed why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
totally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
, and why they may be unimportant in a few situations. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are completely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
effortlessly
be more successful in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that team sports are very important for children to succeed in their career, others disagree? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
395 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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