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Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion v.24

Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion v. 24
It is believed by some of individuals that children are best developed by teaching them at home, some other persons are of the opinion that it is pertinent for children to attend school for their development. In my opinion, I consider the latter that enrolling children in school is important in developing them. On the one hand, some people believe that developing children is best done at home. This believe may be born out of their experience and they feel it is best to isolate children from their peers, so that they do not get corrupted by what their peers says or does. In addition to the above, children get to learn both positive and negative acts from their mates at school, which is not good for their developments. On the other hand, others are of the opinion that it is necessary for children to be enrolled in a school to aid their development and I agree. Firstly, enrolling the children in school is as pertinent as feeding them. This helps to build their confidence as well as their interpersonal relationship with their peers. For example, a child who attends a school will have experience in dealing with his mates anywhere he finds himself. Secondly, the school will help in developing a child's cognitive domain, affective domain and psycho-motor domain. Consequently, all the aforementioned will aid the child in developing holistically. Conclusively, while people may vary in their opinion, I believe that the best method of child development is by enrolling such child in the school
It
is believed
by
After 'some of', you should use 'the' ("some of the individuals") or simply say "some individuals".
some of individuals
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
developed by teaching them at home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other persons are of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
that it is pertinent for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
for their development. In my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
, I consider the latter that enrolling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
them.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
done at home.
The verb 'believe' is plural. Did you mean: "This believes"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This believe
may
be born
out of their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
experience and
they feel it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
to isolate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from their peers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
corrupted by what their peers says or does.
In addition
to the above,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to learn both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
acts from their mates at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, which is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their developments.

On the other hand
, others are of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
that it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
be enrolled
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to aid their development and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
.
Firstly
, enrolling the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is as pertinent as feeding them. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to build their confidence
as well
as their interpersonal relationship with their peers.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
who attends a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will have experience in dealing with his mates anywhere he finds himself.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
a child's cognitive domain, affective domain and psycho-motor domain.
Consequently
, all the aforementioned will aid the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
holistically
.

Conclusively
, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may vary in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
method of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
development is by enrolling such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion v. 24

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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