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Some people believe that sports is an essential part of school life for children while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that sports is an essential part of school life for children while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your opinion. v. 1
People's opinions differ as to whether sports should be made a compulsory part of school syllabus or not. While some consider that it should be mandatory, others argue otherwise. I agree with the latter view because it is a waste of time that should be used teaching more difficult subjects. On the one hand, those that argue that sports should be made mandatory do so on the grounds that it improves students academic performance. This means that their cognitive skills are better developed because of the constant exposure to brain tasking sports. For example, constant engagement in sports like golf helps in fine-tuning one's coordination and improves focus because of the precision and focus necessary to swing the ball. Furthermore, the spirit of sportsmanship which is a hallmark of sports is taught and this may be beneficial in adulthood that is often characterized in failure and rejection. In other words, children learn early in life, useful coping mechanism to to combat failure and defeat as a result of sporting activities they engage in. On the other hand, it is considered by some that sports should be made optional because it is a waste of valuable time that would have been invested in teaching more difficult subjects and I agree. As a result, a lot of students fail in their primary duty of studying and passing their exams. Moreover, it is unfair to engage every child, regardless of their interest in these activities. In addition, some sports like hockey could be very dangerous and traumatic if protective hears are not worn. Consequently, players could suffer life-threatening injuries which would be devastating. In conclusion, despite people's varying opinions, I am of the notion that inclusion of sports in school curriculum is a misuse of quality academic time, and hence should be made voluntary.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's opinions differ
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be made
a compulsory part of school syllabus or not. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consider that it should be mandatory, others argue
otherwise
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a waste of time that should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
teaching more difficult subjects.

On the one hand, those that argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be made
mandatory do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on the grounds that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
students academic performance. This means that their cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are better developed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the constant exposure to brain tasking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
For example
, constant engagement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
like golf
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in fine-tuning one's coordination and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
focus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the precision and focus necessary to swing the ball.
Furthermore
, the spirit of sportsmanship which is a hallmark of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is taught
and this may be beneficial in adulthood
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
characterized in failure and rejection.
In other words
, children learn early in life, useful coping mechanism
Possible typo: you repeated a word
to to
combat failure and defeat
as a result
of sporting activities they engage in.

On the other hand
, it
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be made
optional
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a waste of valuable time that would have
been invested
in teaching more difficult subjects and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
students fail in their primary duty of studying and passing their exams.
Moreover
, it is unfair to engage every child, regardless of their interest in these activities.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
like hockey could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and traumatic if protective hears are not worn.
Consequently
, players could suffer life-threatening injuries which would be devastating.

In conclusion
, despite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's varying opinions, I am of the notion that inclusion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in school curriculum is a misuse of quality academic time, and
hence
should
be made
voluntary.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that sports is an essential part of school life for children while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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