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some people believe that outdoor activity bring benifits rather that the internet online

some people believe that outdoor activity bring benifits rather that the internet online bQLXQ
Currently, children are becoming obese and suffer from various health issues in many countries. Some people believe that it needs to solve by governments. In my opinion, I will agree and disagree with this statement. This essay will address the reason for my views as follows. On the one hand, the responsibility of children's guardians is crucial who will lead to childhood obesity or not. As follows, children are still not aware of lifestyles. Hence, their lifestyles will be affected. Their guardian will create a way of life for them from an early age. For example, in some families, both parents prepare home-cooked food for their children whereas they will buy junk food lead to children's enjoy junk food. In addition, children take regular play sport is that needed to receive encourage by their guardian. Besides, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy that also was affected by the community. For instance, children were attracted by unhealthy food out of school. As a result, is that their teacher needs to explain to them the drawback of unhealthy food. On the other hand, some stores of fast food are becoming popular anywhere lead to childhood obesity. Therefore, the government has to tax the price of fast food reducing children's consumption of fast food. Specifically, when the cost of fast food soars increases, their parents will buy them less fast food. Besides, the rapid weight gain of children was also affected by inactivity. The government needs to extend the gymnastics playground at school in which children will be more physically active. Because of taking regular exercise, they will become dynamic to remove sedentary lifestyles that children are less obese. For example, when a child engages in physical activity, they will no longer sit in the classroom. In summary, child obesity is increasing in many countries in which not only the issues were noticed by the government but also the responsibility of family and school.
Currently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are becoming obese and suffer from various health issues in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it needs to solve by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
. In my opinion, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
and disagree with this statement. This essay will address the reason for my views as follows.

On the one hand, the responsibility of children's guardians is crucial who will lead to childhood obesity or not. As follows,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
still
not aware of lifestyles.
Hence
, their lifestyles will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
. Their guardian will create a way of life for them from an early age.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
families, both parents prepare home-cooked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whereas they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
lead to children's enjoy junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
take regular play sport is that needed to receive encourage by their guardian.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are becoming overweight and unhealthy that
also
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the community.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were attracted
by unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
out of school.
As a result
, is that their teacher needs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
to them the drawback of unhealthy food.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
stores of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
are becoming popular anywhere lead to childhood obesity.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
tax the price of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
reducing children's consumption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Specifically
, when the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
soars increases, their parents will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
them less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Besides
, the rapid weight gain of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
was
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by inactivity. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
needs to extend the gymnastics playground at school in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will be more
physically
active.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of taking regular exercise, they will become dynamic to remove sedentary lifestyles that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are less obese.
For example
, when a child engages in physical activity, they will no longer sit in the classroom.

In summary, child obesity is increasing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries in which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the issues
were noticed
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the responsibility of family and school.
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IELTS essay some people believe that outdoor activity bring benifits rather that the internet online

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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