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Some people believe that individuals are responsible for their happiness, while others argue that it is related to factors from personal life. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that individuals are responsible for their happiness, while others argue that it is related to factors from personal life. v. 1
Some people claim that independent people are accountable for their felicity, while others believe that it is connected with their private life. I believe that the happiness of the person is interconnected to his or her personal life, such as it is directly related to income and business that the person is busy with. Firstly, people are responsible for their happiness, because nobody can make happiness for you. In life, you have to give it a shot to obtain all your goals for yourself. That is a severe rule of life. Secondly, human lives once in this world. So, you should not spend your time just fooling around, oppositely you have to live by taking joy and pleasure from life. On the other hand, some people argue that the happiness of people is linked to their money and job. If you have enough money in your pocket, you will have a luxurious life with your family and of course happiness as well. Moving to another point, you spend one part of your day out of threat work. That is why everybody should do their own, favourite job. It should not be stressing and tiring for you. By contrast, you have to take joy and satisfaction while working, otherwise it will effect to your happiness negatively. To sum up some, people believe that being happy is cognate to yourself when I do think that it is linked to profit and work. Live happily and take pleasure from life that you are living in.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are accountable for their felicity, while others believe that it
is connected
with their private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
of the person
is interconnected
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, such as it is
directly
related to income and business that the person is busy with.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are responsible for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nobody can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
for you. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give it a shot to obtain all your goals for yourself.
That is
a severe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Secondly
, human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
once in this world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, you should not spend your time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
fooling around,
oppositely
you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
by taking joy and pleasure from life.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is linked
to their money and job. If you have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money in your pocket, you will have a luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with your family and
of course
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
as well
. Moving to another point, you spend one part of your day out of threat work.
That is
why everybody should do their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
job. It should not be stressing and tiring for you. By contrast, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take joy and satisfaction while working,
otherwise
it will
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
to your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
negatively
.

To sum up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that being happy is cognate to yourself when I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it
is linked
to profit and work.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Live
happily
and take pleasure from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
that you are living in.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that individuals are responsible for their happiness, while others argue that it is related to factors from personal life. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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