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Some people believe that governments should spend money on the military to prepare for future conflicts, whereas others believe this money should be spent to improve society.

Some people believe that governments should spend money on the military to prepare for future conflicts, whereas others believe this money should be spent to improve society. APdkL
Should governments spend their fundings on the military to ensure the safety of their nation, or should this fundings be used to improve social welfare? In this argument, I thoroughly disagree as I believe that in a modern society, we humans as a specie should be improving the lives of others and not be in conflict with one another. I took this stance as I believe that peace is always an option; meaning that military spendings is not necessary. First and foremost, increased spendings in the military would affect other aspects of a nation. For instance, because the total fundings the government has is limited; other important element: such as education and healthcare will be affected as their funding will be reduced. Consequently, this will cause a loss in opportunity for potential individuals who might receive education and greatly contribute to the socioeconomic of their country. Furthermore, these reductions in society improvement fundings pose the threat of increased poverty in the country. Then again, these people in poverty are a lost opportunity which could be generating income thus adding to the GDP of the nation. Secondly, in the modern world, conflict which leads to use of military force is quite rare. This implies that: the financing that has been put into the military is not used. Therefore, all the taxes and fundings are wasted and contribute no value to society. In addition, as a human, loss of lives causes grives and suffering for individuals. Not only physical injuries but also mental illness. On the other hand, some may argue that military spendings should not be neglected as in some nations there are still active conflicts, which military is required for national security. To conclude, increased military fundings would negatively affect the well being of citizens and cause a lost opportunity in which a nation could profit economically. Besides, armed conflict in the modern world is very infrequent.
Should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
spend their
Possible spelling mistake found.
fundings on
the military to ensure the safety of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
, or should
Did you mean "these"?
this
Possible spelling mistake found.
fundings
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
social welfare? In this argument, I
thoroughly
disagree as I believe that in a modern society,
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'we'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
we humans
as a specie should be improving the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of others and not be in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conflict
with one another. I took this stance as I believe that peace is always an option; meaning that military
Possible spelling mistake found.
spendings
is not necessary.

First
and foremost, increased
Possible spelling mistake found.
spendings
in the military would affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the total
Possible spelling mistake found.
fundings
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has
is limited
;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
element: such as education and healthcare will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
funding
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
Consequently
, this will cause a loss in opportunity for potential individuals who might receive education and
greatly
contribute to
The phrase 'the socioeconomic of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the socioeconomic of
their country.
Furthermore
, these reductions in society improvement
Possible spelling mistake found.
fundings
pose the threat of increased poverty in the country. Then again, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in poverty are a lost opportunity which could be generating income
thus
adding to the GDP of the nation.

Secondly
, in the modern world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conflict
which leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of military force is quite rare.
This implies that
: the financing that has
been put
into the military is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.
Therefore
, all the taxes and
Possible spelling mistake found.
fundings
are wasted
and contribute no value to society.
In addition
, as a human, loss of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
causes
Possible spelling mistake found.
grives
and suffering for individuals. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physical injuries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
mental illness. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may argue that military
Possible spelling mistake found.
spendings
should not
be neglected
as in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
there are
still
active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conflicts
, which military
is required
for national security.

To conclude
, increased military
Possible spelling mistake found.
fundings
would
negatively
affect the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of citizens and cause a lost opportunity in which a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
could profit
economically
.
Besides
, armed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conflict
in the modern world is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
infrequent.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that governments should spend money on the military to prepare for future conflicts, whereas others believe this money should be spent to improve society.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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