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Some people believe that entering the workplace after school is far more beneficial than studying at university. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people believe that entering the workplace after school is far more beneficial than studying at university. with this statement? yxwBM
It is thought that it is better to work after school instead of studying at university. There are both advantages and disadvantages of this and i agree with that statement. On the one hand, studying is better than enter the workplace as you can find better work that pay you more money. Most people who graduated university are scientists, engineer that is way they are owners of jobs that people who did not study at university. There are many people have not studied at university because of this the jobs which can earn more money belong to graduated people. Moreover, it is easy to be expert in your field provided that you studied at university. Because you find students who study in your field and is going to be the owner of the job as you.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that it is better to work after school
instead
of studying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. There are both advantages and disadvantages of this and
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that statement.

On the one hand, studying is better than enter the workplace as you can find better work that pay you more money. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
The verb 'to graduate' requires the preposition 'from': "graduated from".
graduated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
are scientists, engineer
that is
way they are owners of jobs that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who did not study at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have not studied at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
because of this
the jobs which can earn more money belong to graduated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Moreover
, it is easy to be expert in your field provided that you studied at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
you find students who study in your field and is going to be the owner of the job as you.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that entering the workplace after school is far more beneficial than studying at university. with this statement?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
136 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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