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Some people believe that children should be taught how to manage money at school. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that children should be taught how to manage money at school. v. 1
There is no any doubt that money management is one of the important skill a person should possesses. It is argued by some people this skill should be taught to Children at School. However, I would argue that at school age learning this concept should overburden them and is completely the waste of time. Children should focus on the core subjects such as Science and Mathematics during their school tenure. This is the crucial phase of their life to build solid concepts and strong foundation of these invaluable subjects. If children during this precious time, should focus and start learning other time-consuming skills just like money management, then it can overload them and they lose their attention from their major subjects, which may lead to detrimental impacts on their careers. In order to reduce the burden, Children should avoid these secondary skills during their school life and stay focused on their primary subjects. During the School time the brains of the children are not mature enough. If school taught the money management concepts, then is completely waste of time, because children are not going to learn anything out of it. For instance, in 2010, a survey conducted by the students of the Oxford University, which states that the during the schooling phase, children brains starts developing and are not ready to grasp the concepts for which life experiences required. It is obvious that, children should learn these skills at later stages of their life, when they are mature and experienced enough to grasp the skill. In Conclusion, although, managing money is the key skill, but it shouldn’t be taught to children at school because it would overburden them and waste their crucial time.
There is
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
any doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management is one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
a person should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "possess"
possesses
. It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
should
be taught
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
.
However
, I would argue that at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
age learning this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concept
should overburden them and is completely the waste of time.

Children should focus on the core subjects such as Science and Mathematics during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
tenure. This is the crucial phase of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to build solid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concepts
and strong foundation of these invaluable subjects. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
during this precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, should focus and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
learning other time-consuming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management, then it can overload
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they lose their attention from their major subjects, which may lead to detrimental impacts on their careers. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the burden,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should avoid these secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and stay focused on their primary subjects.

During the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
the brains of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
taught the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concepts
, then is completely waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not going to learn anything out of it.
For instance
, in 2010, a survey conducted by the students of the Oxford University, which states that the during the schooling phase,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
brains
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
developing and are not ready to grasp the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concepts
for which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
experiences required. It is obvious that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
at later stages of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, when they are mature and experienced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to grasp the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.

In Conclusion
, although, managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the key
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it shouldn’t
be taught
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would overburden them and waste their crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children should be taught how to manage money at school. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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