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Some people believe shopping Mall and building cause traffic jam

Some people believe shopping Mall and building cause traffic jam OR10N
At the outset, multiplex skyscrapers deteriorate rush from the markets, for all the local vendor shops are besides one another at one place. To exemplify this, a great hustle-bustle can be seen in festive season which lead to many problems are being faced by natives such as traffic jam, pollution, and owing to these issues, they get late for their work along with health issues, due to air and noise pollution. However, shopping malls are only meant for which class people, as every individual has no same financial status. Moreover the shopkeepers are in the monopoly sector, but local ones are in highly competitive sector, so there is a huge difference between the prices of the product. Not only this, but also every businessman is not capable to buy shops in the shopping complexes, as their prices are very high. Hence, it is like to stealing the bread and butter from them.
At the outset, multiplex skyscrapers deteriorate rush from the markets, for all the local vendor shops are
besides
one another at one place. To exemplify this, a great hustle-bustle can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in festive season which lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems are
being faced
by natives such as traffic jam, pollution, and owing to these issues, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
late for their work along with health issues, due to air and noise pollution.

However
, shopping malls are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
meant for which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, as every individual has no same financial status.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
the shopkeepers are in the monopoly sector,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
local ones are in
highly
competitive sector,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there is a huge difference between the prices of the product. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
every businessman is not capable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
shops in the shopping complexes, as their prices are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high.
Hence
, it is like to
Did you mean "steal"?
stealing
the bread and butter from them.
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IELTS essay Some people believe shopping Mall and building cause traffic jam

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
152 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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