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Some people believe governments should support care and finance for retired people, while others think they should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

Some people believe governments should support care and finance for retired people, while others think they should save money when they get older. pbRe3
In the modern days, due to the separation of many families, the elderly require more help and attention. The government is considered to take care and provide financial assistance to the elderly, but some people believe that they should save money before their retirement. From my perspective, I personally agree that the government should take responsibility in providing financial stability to its senior citizens. To begin with, people should have their own savings to prevent national financial burden. The more developed their country is, the more money they earn. Wealthy individuals can have a great asset, which allows them to live decently until they pass away. Moreover, since in many countries the number of oldster is increasing year by year, the government is likely to struggle to sustain the financial provision. The early signs of this have been seen in many countries where the retirement age has been raised. Therefore, kinds of support may be rejected in the future. In contrast, it is necessary for the government to assist retired citizens in financial aid because of their contribution to society. During their labor time, the seniors have enriched the national economy by paying tax. In forms such as using public services, commerce, shopping, they have contributed to helping businesses make profits and a small part of their income has to be returned to the state to bolster the purposes of the country. Moreover, the aged having difficult circumstances are in need of assistance from the government. They don’t have enough strength and may have bad health conditions. This lead to the demand for medical services, which is paid partly by the government. To sum up, although people can have huge savings for their old age, the government should still have adequate subsidies for those who really need them.
In the modern days, due to the separation of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families, the elderly require more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and attention. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is considered
to take care and provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
assistance to the elderly,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that they should save money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
their retirement. From my perspective, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take responsibility in providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
stability to its senior citizens.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
savings to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
burden. The more developed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is, the more money they earn. Wealthy individuals can have a great asset, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
decently
until they pass away.
Moreover
, since in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
the number of oldster is increasing year by year, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is likely to struggle to sustain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
provision. The early signs of this have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where the retirement age has
been raised
.
Therefore
, kinds of support may
be rejected
in the future.

In contrast
, it is necessary for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to assist retired citizens in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their contribution to society. During their labor time, the seniors have enriched the national economy by paying tax. In forms such as using public services, commerce, shopping, they have contributed to helping businesses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
profits and a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
part of their income
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be returned
to the state to bolster the purposes of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Moreover
, the aged having difficult circumstances are in need of assistance from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. They don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
strength and may have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
health conditions. This lead to the demand for medical services, which
is paid
partly by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

To sum up, although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can have huge savings for their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
still
have adequate subsidies for those who
really
need them.
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IELTS essay Some people believe governments should support care and finance for retired people, while others think they should save money when they get older.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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