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some people assert that it is good for college students to have part-time jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

some people assert that it is good for college students to have part-time jobs. bYrgg
It is generally believed that the work for part-time job for college students bring several merits. While others think limited hours job have various demerits aspects. I strongly agree the former idea because students can learn many things through work experiences. To begin with, there are several advantages about part-time job for students. First and foremost, students can build social experience that will be helpful when they work as a permanent employee. Life of company is totally different as college life. Most workplace need smart work skills and fast communication. However, students can not learn these abilities in college study while part-time job gives numerous useful tips and experiences. In addition, students can save money from the early age. They can buy their textbook and daily supplies without parent's help. Due to the fact that, they can learn how to budget and contribute property. On the other hand, others think part-time job have a lot of disadvantages. Firstly, if students go to work for a few hours, they feel exhausted easily and not focus 100% on their studies. Research shows that the number of students who working for part-time, they usually do not submit college tasks and not involved with other students during class. Secondly, college studies are really stressful, but students can get the amount of stress from their workplace. Consequently, they should concentrate their college class, not to make money through working. To conclude, Although the part time job have several demerits aspects of this trend, I opine that the people working as a part- time job and study in college at the same time bring various merits affects because they can make experience and save much more money.
It is
generally
believed that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
bring several merits.

“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
limited hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
have various demerits aspects. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
the former
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experiences.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several advantages about part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can build social experience that will be helpful when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as a permanent employee.

Life of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
as college life. Most workplace need smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
communication.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can not learn these abilities in college study while part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
gives numerous useful tips and experiences.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can save money from the early age. They can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their textbook and daily supplies without parent's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.

Due to the fact that, they can learn how to budget and contribute property.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
disadvantages.
Firstly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for a few hours, they feel exhausted
easily
and not focus 100% on their studies.

Research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who working for part-time, they
usually
do not submit college tasks and not involved with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
during
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.

Secondly
, college studies are
really
stressful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from their workplace.
Consequently
, they should concentrate their college
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money through working.

To conclude
, Although the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
have several demerits aspects of this trend, I opine that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
working as a part- time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and study in college at the same time bring various merits affects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
experience and save much more money.
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IELTS essay some people assert that it is good for college students to have part-time jobs.

Essay
  American English
11 paragraphs
281 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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