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Some people argue that advertising is discouraging people from being different individuals, and makes people to be or seem to be the same. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that advertising is discouraging people from being different individuals, and makes people to be or seem to be the same. yDYAl
It is believed that consumers’ behaviors are being changed to become close to each others by the adverts. I partly support this idea of the connection of individuals impacted by the social media, while it has some differences between two stranger who are like-minded. Nowadays, advertising is a work of art, that lead to the chang of the way to buy straight away. Consumers’ behaviors are shaped by marketing campaign which is convincing and eye-catching to targeted customers. For example, a flutiencal marketing being shown on TV by well-known actress can influence on a huge fan group of her, which is followed by a massive increase on the revenue of the number of products being advertised. More over, not only do ads impact daily life but also create a brand new faction. When more and more fans had bought special clothes that their idols wore on the show, it might become the trend which based on the wide-spread of the ads, speacially the idols. On the other hand, everyone has their own face, own faction which cannot be changed by the social media. Two men are in love with football but have their own idol in the field, it will be tough to share their thinking about the others to the opposite. For a particular example, it is quiet rare that Messi fans buy good being advertised and supported by Ronaldo which is the most formidable opponent of Messi all the time. In additions, adverts is not able to change the way they buy due to not only about the personal facion but also about the financial status. Being in the same fan group, the rich can easily buy what they fancy about, and the ones have unstable income cannot. The poorer they are, the harder posibility they chase to become their idols. In a nutshell, social media and marketing change the way guest buying, make them closer together, but some others do not pay attention about the ads which might keep them being apart form the society. In my opinion, I slightly agree with the former that might be more agreeable than the latter.
It
is believed
that consumers’ behaviors are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
to become close to each others by the adverts. I partly support this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of the connection of individuals impacted by the social media, while it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
differences between two stranger who are like-minded.

Nowadays, advertising is a work of art, that lead to the
Possible spelling mistake found.
chang
of the way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
straight away. Consumers’ behaviors
are shaped
by marketing campaign which is convincing and eye-catching to targeted customers.
For example
, a
Possible spelling mistake found.
flutiencal
marketing
being shown
on TV by well-known actress can influence on a huge fan group of her, which
is followed
by a massive increase on the revenue of the number of products
being advertised
. More over, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do ads impact daily life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
create a
'brand new' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "brand-new".
brand new
faction. When more and more fans had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
special clothes that their idols wore on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, it might become the trend which based on the wide-spread of the ads,
Possible spelling mistake found.
speacially
the idols.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, everyone has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
face,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
faction which cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
by the social media. Two
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
with football
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
idol in the field, it will be tough to share their thinking about the others to the opposite. For a particular example, it is
Did you mean "quite"? 'quiet' means 'silent', 'quite' mean 'very' or 'to a moderate extent'
quiet
rare that Messi fans
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
being advertised
and supported by Ronaldo which is the most formidable opponent of Messi all the time. In additions, adverts is not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the way they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
due to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about the personal
Possible spelling mistake found.
facion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
about the financial status. Being in the same fan group, the rich can
easily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
what they fancy about, and the ones have unstable income cannot. The poorer they are, the harder
Possible spelling mistake found.
posibility
they chase to become their idols.

In a nutshell, social media and marketing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the way guest buying,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them closer together,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others do not pay attention about the ads which might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them being
Possible typo. Did you mean "apart from"?
apart form
the society. In my opinion, I
slightly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former that might be more agreeable than the latter.

IELTS essay Some people argue that advertising is discouraging people from being different individuals, and makes people to be or seem to be the same.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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