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Some education systems make students focus on certain subjects at the age of 15, while others require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of each system? Which do you think is a better educational system?

Some education systems make students focus on certain subjects at the age of 15, while others require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of each system? Which do you think is a better educational system? gXb7
In recent society, while the world is switching to the new era, the studying program has become one of the most common concerns of human beings. Some believe that learning multiple subjects would be the most effective study paradigm, however, paying attention to only major subjects providing the required knowledge for students has its advantages. In my opinion, students need to focus on certain subjects and this essay below would explain my opinion. First of all, a study program comprised of many subjects can help students to learn how to split the time effectively so as to complete all the tasks on time and avoid being punished due to miss out the deadlines. Moreover, it can help widening the knowlegde and promote the cognitive skills. For instance, Vietnamese studying program comprises of 13 subjects, each of them carries a wide array of knowledge requiring students to hit a book seriously so as to don’t miss out any skills and knowledge. If students can retain and master the skills, their future career will have a lot of distinct benefits, give them a solid foundations to succeed in wherever they are. But it is only when they have already mastered and survived all of the exam and don’t be affected badly. Otherwise, I assume that focusing on certain subjects would approach students effectively due to several reasons. With fewer subjects, the pressure of deadlines won’t be a big problem with them and students will have more leisure time to attend to their favourite hobbies or favorable extracurriculars, instead of spending time to torturing them with a huge amount of stressful homeworks or all-day extra classes. This might save students from having depression or contemplate suicide because of stress. In addition, less subjects doesn’t mean less knowledge. The major subjects will be altered so as to provide required and high level knowledge for students. Due to the alteration, the teaching method will be changing to help students even who are weak at some aspects to be better. But to totally master the skills will depend on their willingness and attitude toward the study. If teacher strictly forces them, there will be such a waste of effort. In conclusion, both education appoarch have its benefits, however the latter better use for student nor teacher with less pressure and more leisure time. In the hope that students can have a better future, may next generation can rebuilt and invent more and more professional education development?
In recent society, while the world is switching to the new era, the studying program has become one of the most common concerns of human beings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that learning multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
would be the most effective study paradigm,
however
, paying attention to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
providing the required
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
has its advantages. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need to focus on certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and this essay below would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my opinion.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a study program comprised of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to learn how to split the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
effectively
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
complete all the tasks on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and avoid
being punished
due to miss out the deadlines.
Moreover
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to widen" or "widen".
widening
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowlegde
and promote the cognitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
For instance
, Vietnamese studying program
Did you mean "comprises" or "consists of"?
comprises of
13
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, each of them carries a wide array of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
requiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to hit a book
seriously
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
don’t miss out any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can retain and master the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, their future career will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
distinct benefits, give them a solid
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "foundation"?
foundations
to succeed in wherever they are.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when they have already mastered and survived
Consider using "all the".
all of the
exam and don’t be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
badly
.

Otherwise
, I assume that focusing on certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
would approach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
effectively
due to several reasons. With fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, the pressure of deadlines won’t be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
problem with them and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will have more leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to attend to their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
hobbies or favorable
Possible spelling mistake found.
extracurriculars
,
instead
of spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to torturing them with a huge amount of stressful
Possible spelling mistake found.
homeworks
or all-day extra classes. This might save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from having depression or contemplate suicide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

In addition
,
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun subjects is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
doesn’t mean less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
. The major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will
be altered
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
provide required and high level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Due to the alteration, the teaching method will be changing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
even who are weak at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aspects to be better.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
to
totally
master the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
will depend on their willingness and attitude toward the study. If teacher
strictly
forces them, there will be such a waste of effort.

In conclusion
, both education
Possible spelling mistake found.
appoarch
have its benefits,
however
the latter better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
nor teacher with less pressure and more leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In the hope that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can have a better future, may
next
generation can rebuilt and invent more and more professional education development?
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IELTS essay Some education systems make students focus on certain subjects at the age of 15, while others require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of each system? Which do you think is a better educational system?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
410 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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