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some celebrations have lost their original meaning and these occasions have become too much about spending money .what problems can this cause?

some celebrations have lost their original meaning and these occasions have become too much about spending money. what problems can this cause? kg2Gn
Some of the celebrations around the world are changing from the original ones and people celebrate every event so it costs a furtune because most of them keep up with the Jonses which can cause some problems. As a result, businesses relevent to the celebrations are expanding. In this essay, I will discuss the problems and issues cauesd by this trend and also recommend some solutions. The most compelling problem to my view is that by spending all this money on unnecessary aspects of the ceremonies we are missing the main goals of them. As a result of this attitude, Valentine which has been innovated in order to be a symbol of love to couples, nowadays has transformed into a sign of flaunting wealth. Another major problem which can be caused is the disappearance of the concept of that celebration so the next generation will be entertained with pointless values. In other words, in the future, people will not be motivated and also interesed in holding these kinds of celebrations. As a result, they will not have enough excuses to gather and to have fun. Various possible steps can be taken in order to tackle these issues. The most reasonable one is to lower expectations and stick to the spirits of these ceremonies. By doing this, not only issue of wasting all this money will be solved but also people will make the most of these moments and have a mesmerising event. Moreover, we can gain more knowledge on the main purpose of these ceremonies so that they will be more enjoyable and fruitful. In this way, the celebrations will be rescued
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrations
around the world are changing from the original ones and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
celebrate every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it costs a
Possible spelling mistake found.
furtune
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Jonses
which can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
As a result
, businesses
Possible spelling mistake found.
relevent
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrations
are expanding. In this essay, I will discuss the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and issues
Possible spelling mistake found.
cauesd
by this trend and
also
recommend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions.

The most compelling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
to my view is that by spending all this money on unnecessary aspects of the ceremonies we are missing the main goals of them.
As a result
of this attitude, Valentine which has
been innovated
in order to be a symbol of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to couples, nowadays has transformed into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of flaunting wealth. Another major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
which can
be caused
is the disappearance of the concept of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebration
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
next
generation will
be entertained
with pointless values.
In other words
, in the future,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will not
be motivated
and
also
Possible spelling mistake found.
interesed
in holding these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrations
.
As a result
, they will not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
excuses to gather and to have fun.

Various possible steps can
be taken
in order to tackle these issues. The most reasonable one is to lower expectations and stick to the spirits of these ceremonies. By doing this, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
issue of wasting all this money will
be solved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the most of these moments and have a
Possible spelling mistake. 'mesmerising' is British English.
mesmerising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.
Moreover
, we can gain more knowledge on the main purpose of these ceremonies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will be more enjoyable and fruitful. In this way, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrations
will be
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
rescued
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IELTS essay some celebrations have lost their original meaning and these occasions have become too much about spending money. what problems can this cause?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
271 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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