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Some believe that people who do physical work should be paid on par with the people who have high level degree. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some believe that people who do physical work should be paid on par with the people who have high level degree. v. 1
Whether or not having a baby has been a difficult decision for parents throughout in years. It is not only a difficult decision, but also a big responsibility for couples. Especially the mother’s role in this process is more important than the father’s one generally. Nevertheless, there are some ideas that support the importance of fatherhood as much as motherhood. First of all, the special relationship between baby and mother have to be accepted. She bears him/her in her own body for 9 months and then she feeds him/her with her own milk by breastfeeding. Therefore, there is a magical relationship between mother and baby naturally. In addition, it has to be respected decision of the woman for having or not having children because it is a big responsibility that is acceptance of a new life in her own body. On the other hand, it should not be ignored the father’s role in this process. Couples have to take some responsibilities by considering together. If a husband would like to have a child, his partner also should think about that. In contrary, a wife cannot force her partner for making a child, even if she is going to bear the baby in her body. This harmony should be sustained in the process of growing children as well. Although the father cannot provide some essential requirements for their children, he should always help to mother. Furthermore, while children are growing up, some main duties of the father commence in this period. In conclusion, it should be approved that fatherhood is not able to be important as much as motherhood in the most situations. However, being a good father has to be objective of every prospective father.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
having a baby has been a difficult decision for parents throughout in years. It is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a difficult decision,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
responsibility for couples.
Especially
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother’s
role in this process is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father’s
one
generally
.
Nevertheless
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
that support the importance of fatherhood as much as motherhood.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the special relationship between baby and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
. She bears him/her in her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
body for 9
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
months and
then she feeds him/her with her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
milk by breastfeeding.
Therefore
, there is a magical relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
and baby
naturally
.
In addition
, it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be respected
decision of the woman for having or not having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
responsibility
that is
acceptance of a new life in her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
body.

On the other hand
, it should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father’s
role in this process. Couples
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
responsibilities by considering together. If a husband would like to have a child, his partner
also
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about that. In contrary, a wife cannot force her partner for making a child, even if she is going to bear the baby in her body. This harmony should
be sustained
in the process of growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
cannot provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
essential requirements for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, he should always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
.
Furthermore
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are growing up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
main duties of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
commence in this period.

In conclusion
, it should
be approved
that fatherhood is not able to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as much as motherhood in the most situations.
However
, being a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be objective of every prospective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some believe that people who do physical work should be paid on par with the people who have high level degree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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