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Social issues in Iran (specifically in Khuzestan)

Social issues in Iran (specifically in Khuzestan) m306O
I can categorise social issues in my homeland into three different groups: Social, financial and behavioural issues. From a social perspective, there is huge suppression of women's oppression in rural areas. Girls are forced into marriage, underage marriage is common and women rights are a joke in public opinion. Also, there is a very high level of homophobia even in urban areas. Homosexuality is a sin and homosexual people are being bullied and even executed by their own families. Adding to this poisonous mix, there is no trust between people at any level. Everyone sees others as a threat and thus protecting themselves from others and trying to benefit from others. This lack of social trust started to show huge issues as activists try to help weak groups of society, the very first challenge they face is mistrust from those weak groups. In terms of finances, poverty is fairly common all over our province. Despite having one of the largest oil and gas reserves in the world, a very strong agricultural community and highly educated manpower, Unemployment rate is about 14%, almost three times standard. This creates enormous financial issues for families and is tightly linked to crime rates and drug use. Also this ruines future generation opportunities and creates further ground for crime. And finally behavioural issues. This is a broad topic and highly linked to 2 previously mentioned issues. In such an environment where the underlying essence of someone's existence is in danger due to financial problems and extreme poverty, people start to act weird. I saw people lie to your face for no apparent reason just because they have been taught by society to hide all of their intentions to be safe. Children are not being educated by families at all due to lack of parental guidance and thus from early age, they start to do dangerous stuff. Violence is the first choice for everyone in times of conflict and any sort of activism is taboo. To make the matter worse, there is no support from the sheer amount of government-backed charities and cultural institutions as they are busy organizing religious events. If some sort of big shift in at least one of the social factors fails to happen in the future, unfortunately, we will face one of the most catastrophic social collapses.
I can
Possible spelling mistake. 'categorise' is British English.
categorise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
in my homeland into three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
groups:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
, financial and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
. From a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
perspective, there is huge suppression of women's oppression in rural areas. Girls
are forced
into marriage, underage marriage is common and women rights are a joke in public opinion.
Also
, there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high level of homophobia even in urban areas. Homosexuality is a sin and homosexual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
being bullied
and even executed by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
families.

Adding to this poisonous mix, there is no trust between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at any level. Everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
others as a threat and
thus
protecting themselves from others and trying to benefit from others. This lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
trust
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
as activists try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
weak groups of society, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
first
challenge they face is mistrust from those weak groups.

In terms of finances, poverty is
fairly
common all over our province. Despite having one of the largest oil and gas reserves in the world, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
strong agricultural community and
highly
educated manpower, Unemployment rate is about 14%, almost three times standard. This creates enormous financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
for families and is
tightly
linked to crime rates and drug
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
this
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "ruins", the plural form of the noun 'ruin'?
ruines
future generation opportunities and creates
further
ground for crime.

And
finally
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
. This is a broad topic and
highly
linked to 2 previously mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
. In such an environment where the underlying essence of someone's existence is in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
due to financial problems and extreme poverty,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to act weird. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lie to your face for no apparent reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
been taught
by society to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hide
all of their intentions to be safe. Children are not
being educated
by families at all due to lack of parental guidance and
thus
from early age, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
stuff. Violence is the
first
choice for everyone in times of conflict and any sort of activism is taboo. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the matter worse, there is no support from the sheer amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
-backed charities and cultural institutions as they are busy organizing religious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

If
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
shift in at least one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
factors fails to happen in the future, unfortunately, we will face one of the most catastrophic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
collapses.
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IELTS essay Social issues in Iran (specifically in Khuzestan)

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
386 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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