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Should old men live with young people together or should they live in the clubs for the elder? Discuss both views.

Should old men live with young people together or should they live in the clubs for the elder? x0B5w
In our modern society, nursing elderly people has been a topic of concern. It is considered by some that old men should be taken care of his family members, while another school of thought is that it is better for them to participant in the clubs for the elder. This essay gives insight into both viewpoints as well as provides my perspective as a conclusion. On the one hand, surrounded by their children, the old can find it more comfortable and peaceful. In the first place, they can feel satisfied with their children and grand-children being around because they can witness their children growing, laughing and also sucessful. Furthermore, living under the same roof with family members can help the elder set a mirror for their grandchildren to follow as well as give him or her a wealth of valuable knowledge they have gathered for many years in their lives, therefore, their children can developed their character perfectly. For instance, an old men will be given the best advice for his children when they do not know how to confront the problem that happens in their life, as a result, they can learn more life skills that essential for their own lifes. Furthermore, when an old men living with his family, all family members can have a chance to share their stories every meals-time, as a result, it might strengthen family bonds. On the other hand, attending the clubs for the elder also brings about several incentives for senior men. Firstly, the old will feel happier being surrounded by the same age friends. They can share their own emotion, as well as their stories that sometimes their children with different generations can hardly understand. Moreover, the elder cannot be only be better looked after by doctors and nurses who are experts and professional in healthcare and treatment, but they also have an opportunity to relax or participate in many suitable activities for their ages, such as singing, dancing, and so on. In conclusion, both arguments can be justified by giving various merits. From my perspective, no matter how hard the work is, young people should spend more time with their parents who have raised them up even though they live in clubs for the elder.
In our modern society, nursing elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
been a topic of concern. It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
should
be taken
care of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members, while another school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
is that it is better for them to participant in the clubs for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
. This essay gives insight into both viewpoints
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
provides my perspective as a conclusion.

On the one hand, surrounded by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
can find it more comfortable and peaceful. In the
first
place, they can feel satisfied with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and grand-children being around
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can witness their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
growing, laughing and
also
Possible spelling mistake found.
sucessful
.
Furthermore
, living under the same roof with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
set a mirror for their grandchildren to follow
as well
as give him or her a wealth of valuable knowledge they have gathered for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
therefore
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can developed their character
perfectly
.
For instance
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "man"?
men
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the best advice for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
when they do not know how to confront the problem that happens in their life,
as a result
, they can learn more life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that essential for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "lives", the plural form of the noun 'life'?
lifes
.
Furthermore
, when an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
living with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members can have a chance to share their stories every meals-time,
as a result
, it might strengthen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
bonds.

On the other hand
, attending the clubs for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
also
brings about several incentives for senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
will feel happier
being surrounded
by the same age friends. They can share their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
emotion,
as well
as their stories that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
generations can hardly understand.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be better looked after by doctors and nurses who are experts and professional in healthcare and treatment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
have an opportunity to relax or participate in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
suitable activities for their ages, such as singing, dancing, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

In conclusion
, both arguments can
be justified
by giving various merits. From my perspective, no matter how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
the work is, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should spend more time with their parents who have raised them up
even though
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in clubs for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
.
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IELTS essay Should old men live with young people together or should they live in the clubs for the elder?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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