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Shopping has become a favourite pastime for many young people. Why is this the case? Should they be encouraged to spend their free time in a better way?

Shopping has become a favourite pastime for many young people. Why is this the case? Should they be encouraged to spend their free time in a better way? V2e3
Recently, shopping has turned into a vital part of the lifestyle of younger generation. While there are many reasons attributed to this habit such as increased spending power and marketing influences. There is an opinion that they should be inspired to spend their time wisely in other useful activities and I completely agree with this point of view. On one hand, the increased spending power is one of the main reasons for this trend in the society. Compared to the past, there are many well-paid job opportunities available in the market. To illustrate, young people now have plenty of income they don’t know how to spend, therefore they are attracted to go shopping as a hobby. Secondly, they are easily getting influenced by marketing and advertisement for new products and services which create the desire to purchase more items unnecessarily. For instance, a recent survey on Shopping Malls business, indicates that majority of their sales are coming from younger people who had just started their career. In addition to this, the adolescent has to be enthused to spend their unoccupied time in more beneficial ways. Instead of spending time in shopping malls, encouraging them to involve in physical activities such as sports and workout exercises could help them to obtain a healthier life. Another point that they can join a course that enhances their skill sets. For example, those in the software field can spend their time in learning Artificial Intelligence which is growing very fast in the market nowadays. In conclusion, while it is true that younger population are paying attention towards regular shopping, they should be motivated to utilizes their off-time more sensibly.
Recently,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has turned into a vital part of the lifestyle of younger generation. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons attributed to this habit such as increased spending power and marketing influences. There is an opinion that they should
be inspired
to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
wisely
in other useful activities and I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view.

On one hand, the increased spending power is one of the main reasons

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
this trend in the society. Compared to the past, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
well-paid job opportunities available in the market. To illustrate, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of income they don’t know how to spend,

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
therefore
they
are attracted
to go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as a hobby.
Secondly
, they are
easily
getting influenced by marketing and advertisement for new products and services which create the desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
more items
unnecessarily
.
For instance
, a recent survey on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shopping
Malls business, indicates that majority of their sales are coming from younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
their career.

In addition
to this, the adolescent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be enthused
to spend their unoccupied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in more beneficial ways.
Instead
of spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls, encouraging them to involve in physical activities such as sports and workout exercises could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to obtain a healthier life. Another point that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
a course that enhances their
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
skill


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
sets
.
For example
, those in the software field can spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in learning Artificial Intelligence which is growing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
in the market nowadays.

In conclusion
, while it is true that younger population are paying attention towards regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, they should
be motivated
to
The verb after "to" should be in the base form: "utilize".
utilizes
their off-time more
sensibly
.

IELTS essay Shopping has become a favourite pastime for many young people. Why is this the case? Should they be encouraged to spend their free time in a better way?

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
275 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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