Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Schools should cut out music to focus on subjects such as information technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree. v.1

Schools should cut out music to focus on subjects such as information technology. v. 1
Some believe that art and music should be removed from the syllabus of education to enable young students to concentrate on more valuable materials, namely, information technology. In my opinion, I disagree because although other subjects are crucial to learning, music is significant in shaping and nurturing creativity. Education should aim at equipping children of today with knowledge and skills to be able to compete with the future’s challenges. This is because the world never cease developing, and the same goes for the educational materials in continuous relentless evolving. For example, the introduction of the computer sciences as a compulsory course in Finland’s elementary schools aimed at bringing about their future generation with ample expertise in dealing with technology. Thus, if the period requires different materials, the learning process would change to cope with it. However, art is not only an integral part of any civilization, but also an indispensable subject. If world devoid art, then we would be living in a concrete community. Moreover, schools should not eliminate art because it supplements other topics, rejuvenates spirits, and ignites creativity. For instance, many students would have the opportunity to learn about music in school, which may motivate them to pursue a career in it. Therefore, although time is consumed to hone skills in spiritual courses such as music, they enrich mental abilities and complete the objective of other classes at another level. In conclusion, giving priority to other mundane courses over spiritual ones is a moot issue. I disagree with the notion if education syllabus is excluded from art courses, children would be deprived of the opportunity of discovering their innate talents and the possibilities that may provide.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
be removed
from the syllabus of education to enable young students to concentrate on more valuable materials,
namely
, information technology. In my opinion, I disagree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects are crucial to learning,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is significant in shaping and nurturing creativity.

Education should aim at equipping children of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
with knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to be able to compete with the future’s challenges. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the world never cease developing, and the same goes for the educational materials in continuous relentless evolving.
For example
, the introduction of the computer sciences as a compulsory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
in Finland’s elementary schools aimed at bringing about their future generation with ample expertise in dealing with technology.
Thus
, if the period requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
materials, the learning process would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
to cope with it.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
an integral part of any civilization,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
an indispensable subject. If world devoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, then we would be living in a concrete community.
Moreover
, schools should not eliminate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it supplements
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
topics, rejuvenates spirits, and ignites creativity.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students would have the opportunity to learn about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in school, which may motivate them to pursue a career in it.
Therefore
, although time
is consumed
to hone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in spiritual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, they enrich mental abilities and complete the objective of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
classes at another level.

In conclusion
, giving priority to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
mundane
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
over spiritual ones is a moot issue. I disagree with the notion if education syllabus
is excluded
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
, children would
be deprived
of the opportunity of discovering their innate talents and the possibilities that may provide.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Schools should cut out music to focus on subjects such as information technology. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts