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rewAfe wegweRGrehWR ERHHEH

rewAfe wegweRGrehWR ERHHEH KWAn1
It is important that we use our time in a way that matches our lifestyle and personal goals. Personally, I feel that people today do not spend too much of their time on personal enjoyment. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay. ​First of all, people today spend more time working than ever before, which means that they are spending a lot of time fulfilling serious obligations. Studies indicate that we spend more time at our offices than ever before, and that smart phones and internet access force people to continue working even when we are at home. My own experience is a compelling example of what I mean. I work for a large investment banking firm where my scheduled workday is from nine o’clock to five o’clock, but I actually average about eight hours of overtime every week. I do not do this because I enjoy it, but because I feel obligated to serve my company and earn money for my family. Moreover, almost everyone else at my firm does the same thing. We often compare ourselves to our parents, who almost never worked overtime nor received calls from their bosses on the weekend. For this reason, I think that the present generation emphasizes professional obligations over personal enjoyment. ​Secondly, many popular leisure activities include a degree of self-improvement, which means that even our hobbies fall into the realm of duties and obligations. People these days seem to be really into endurance sports like long distance running, which are incredibly beneficial for our health. For instance, I spend most of my free time working out at a local gym. Although this is certainly enjoyable for me, part of why I do it is that it keeps me strong, healthy and fit. This makes me both a better parent to my children and a better employee for my boss. I consider these two aspects of my life that I should be deeply concerned about. In conclusion, I firmly believe that people do not spend too much time on personal enjoyment. This is because people work around the clock nowadays, and even our leisure activities are connected to personal improvement.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in a way that matches our lifestyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
goals.
Personally
, I feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
too much of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
enjoyment. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

​
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
working than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, which means that they are spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
fulfilling serious obligations. Studies indicate that we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at our offices than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, and that smart phones and internet access force
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to continue working even when we are at home. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience is a compelling example of what I mean. I work for a large investment banking firm where my scheduled workday is from nine o’clock to five o’clock,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I actually average about eight hours of overtime every week. I do not do this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I enjoy it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I feel obligated to serve my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and earn money for my family.
Moreover
, almost everyone else at my firm does the same thing. We
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
compare ourselves to our parents, who almost never worked overtime nor received calls from their bosses on the weekend.
For this reason
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the present generation emphasizes professional obligations over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
enjoyment.

​
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
popular leisure activities include a degree of self-improvement, which means that even our hobbies fall into the realm of duties and obligations.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
these days seem to be
really
into endurance sports like long distance running, which are
incredibly
beneficial for our health.
For instance
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
most of my free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
working out at a local gym. Although this is
certainly
enjoyable for me, part of why I do it is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
me strong, healthy and fit. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me both a better parent to my children and a better employee for my boss. I consider these two aspects of my life that I should be
deeply
concerned about.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
enjoyment. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work around the clock nowadays, and even our leisure activities
are connected
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
improvement.
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IELTS essay rewAfe wegweRGrehWR ERHHEH

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
368 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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