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Professionals such as doctors, nurses and teachers should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree?

Professionals such as doctors, nurses and teachers should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. NrwEj
The issue of income for certain workers and celebrities is widely debated nowadays. I somewhat disagree with this opinion because there is no doubt that definite workers should have a good pay in their works while I believe the contribution and ability of famous people are also worthy of their income. On the one hand, famous entertainers and athletes have some reasons to have handsomely paid jobs. First of all, their arduous efforts can not only enrich people’s spiritual life but also help people relieve pressure triggered by modern life. Furthermore, striving for stardom requires large amounts of industrious work. their relatively finite career time may justify their excessive salaries, for high-paying salaries are the rewards of their honest hard work and the security of the rest of life. On the other hand, the abilities of professional workers, such as doctors, nurses and teachers can be trained and copied. An ordinary person can be educated or trained to be engaged in those professional jobs, but not so many can be taught to play basketball so well as Kobe Bryant and make the movie attractive as Jack Chen. Besides, the lack of a professional worker can be soon replaced by another one, while the loss of a celebrity may result in the limit of development in a certain field. Moreover, most certain workers do not contribute so much to society as celebrities in person. Any single worker in the professional field is not able to bring the happiness to such a large population as a famous person in sports or entertainment does. Also, an individual professional employee cannot similarly bring glories to the country and enhance people’s sense of belongings to the nation. Otherwise, if they can, their payment will not be less. In conclusion, personally, I somewhat disagree with professional workers should get more income than celebrities. Nevertheless, I agree with definite worker are worth to get a good pay in their field.
The issue of income for certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
is
widely
debated nowadays. I somewhat disagree with this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is no doubt that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
pay in their works while I believe the contribution and ability of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
also
worthy of their income.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
entertainers and athletes have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons to have
handsomely
paid jobs.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, their arduous efforts can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
enrich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
spiritual life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
relieve pressure triggered by modern life.
Furthermore
, striving for stardom requires large amounts of industrious work.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
their
relatively
finite career time may justify their excessive salaries, for high-paying salaries are the rewards of their honest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and the security of the rest of life.

On the other hand
, the abilities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, such as doctors, nurses and teachers can
be trained
and copied. An ordinary person can
be educated
or trained to
be engaged
in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
jobs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
can
be taught
to play basketball
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
well as Kobe Bryant and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the movie attractive as Jack Chen.
Besides
, the lack of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
replaced by another one, while the loss of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
may result in the limit of development in a certain field.

Moreover
, most certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
do not contribute
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much to society as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
in person. Any single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
field is not able to bring the happiness to such a large population as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
person in sports or entertainment does.
Also
, an individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
employee cannot
similarly
bring glories to the country and enhance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
sense of belongings to the nation.
Otherwise
, if they can, their payment will not be less.

In conclusion
,
personally
, I somewhat disagree with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more income than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
.
Nevertheless
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
are worth to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
pay in their field.
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IELTS essay Professionals such as doctors, nurses and teachers should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
323 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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