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Playing computer games only has negative effects on children. To what extent do you agree or disagree

Playing computer games only has negative effects on children. PV9lE
It is a widespread opinion that computer games impact negatively on kids. I strongly agree with this opinion because computer games are full of violence and they are a waste of time for children. First of all, computer games are very popular among teenagers around the globe and they are full of cruelty. Obviously, computer games have a negative influence on the mental health of children. Meanwhile, it seems that creators of these games do not care about childrens’ health and increase the number of such games productions to make more money. Moreover, many parents highlighted that the behaviours of their children changed because of computer games. They became very aggressive and impatient. The New York Development centre conducted a research in 2017 which showed that 89% of children in the focus group changed their behaviours because of a computer game. On the other hand, computer games make children spend most of the day in front of laptops playing games which do not teach them anything new. As a result, thay do not have enough time to read books. For instance, the Chicago Research office organized a research in 2018 which outlined that 78% respondent kids were eager to play a computer game rather than read a book. This meant that kinds tended to waste time on games and not learn something useful for their future careers. All in all, I reckon that computer games have negative effects on children as they contain violence and do not teach children anything new.
It is a widespread opinion that computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
impact
negatively
on kids. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are full of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
violence and
they are a waste of time for children.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
around the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
globe and
they are full of cruelty.
Obviously
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on the mental health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Meanwhile, it seems that creators of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
do not care about
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
’ health and increase the number of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
productions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents highlighted that the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. They became
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
aggressive and impatient. The New York Development
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
conducted
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
in 2017 which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 89% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the focus group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a computer game.

On the other hand
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of the day in front of laptops playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which do not teach them anything new.
As a result
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
thay
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to read books.
For instance
, the Chicago Research office organized
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
in 2018 which outlined that 78% respondent kids were eager to play a computer game
rather
than read a book. This meant that kinds tended to waste time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and not learn something useful for their future careers.

All in all, I reckon that computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they contain violence and do not teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
anything new.
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IELTS essay Playing computer games only has negative effects on children.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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