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People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making. VB0mD
It is said that the behavior of people is determined by external factors that are out of their control, and they do not have any role in making them. I agree with this statement. Behaviour is a trait of the personality of an individual. It is how a person reacts to the given situation. People have different behavior, and this is what differentiates them from each other. The behavior of people can be influenced by genetic and external factors. Genetic factors including the demeanors that are transmitted from the parents, and external factors such as the environment in which a person is placed or people who the person communicates with. All of these factors can affect the behavior of an individual differently. First, we start with the parents and the childhood period. Parents are the first individuals whom children are familiarized with. Home is the first place in which children are acculturated, and they are taught about different manners. Therefore, parents have the most important role in the shaping of behavior in children. We can see that our personalities today are a reflection of what we have faced in their childhood. For example, if a person had a family with strong morals and balanced manners in his/her childhood, now he/she would have better and calm behavior in front of others. By contrast, a person in a family with aggressive demeanors would have antisocial behavior in his/her adulthood. In this case, the behavior of individuals is shaped by their family, and they do not have any role in this issue. The second factor is peer pressure on individuals in their adolescent period. This factor is every parent's fear because in this period people are influenced by their friends, and they tend to fall into the line with them. Most people believe that if a person communicates with negative individuals, after a while their behavior will surely show up in his/her character. Their behavior becomes a part of his/her personality. The third factor is the environment in which people are influenced by different external factors such as individuals, economic and social conditions and something like them. The best example for this factor is the manager of Pepsi company who was in a traditional family in the south of India but because of the supports and opportunities that she received from her environment, she turned into a successful person with a dynamic personality. The final factor is genetic factors that can be inherited from parents. Some manners are instinctive and they are transmitted from the parents. For example, to be kind or stingy can be transmitted from parents to children. In conclusion, I believed that the behavior of a person can be influenced by different external and internal factors that are out of control of his / her. Nevertheless, sometimes people can choose which behavior is suitable for them and reinforce it.
It
is said
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
of
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people
is determined
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
that are out of their control, and they do not have any role in making them. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.

Possible spelling mistake. 'Behaviour' is British English.
Behaviour
is a trait of the personality of an
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individual
. It is how a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
reacts to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
situation.
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People
have
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different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
, and this is what differentiates them from each other. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
of
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people
can
be influenced
by genetic and
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external
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factors
. Genetic
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factors
including the
Possible spelling mistake found.
demeanors
that
are transmitted
from the
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parents
, and
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external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as the environment in which a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is placed
or
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people
who the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
communicates with. All of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
can affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
differently
.

First
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with the
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parents
and the childhood period.
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Parents
are the
first
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individuals
whom children
are familiarized
with. Home is the
first
place in which children
are acculturated
, and they
are taught
about
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different
manners.
Therefore
,
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parents
have the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the shaping of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
in children. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that our personalities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are a reflection of what we have faced in their childhood.
For example
, if a
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person
had a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
with strong morals and balanced manners in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
his/her
childhood,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
he/she would have better and calm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
in front of others. By contrast, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
with aggressive
Possible spelling mistake found.
demeanors
would have antisocial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
in
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his/her
adulthood.
In this case
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
of
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individuals
is shaped
by their
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family
, and they do not have any role in this issue.

The second
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factor
is peer pressure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
in their adolescent period. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is every parent's fear
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because
in this period
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people
are influenced
by their friends, and they tend to fall into the line with them. Most
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people
believe that if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
communicates with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
, after a while their
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behavior
will
surely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
up in
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his/her
character. Their
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behavior
becomes a part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
his/her
personality.

The third
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is the environment in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are influenced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
, economic and social conditions and something like them. The best example for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is the manager of Pepsi
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
who was in a traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in the south of India
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the supports and opportunities that she received from her environment, she turned into a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
with a dynamic personality.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
final
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factor
is genetic
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factors
that can
be inherited
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
manners are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
instinctive and
they
are transmitted
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
For example
, to be kind or stingy can
be transmitted
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to children.

In conclusion
, I believed that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can
be influenced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
and internal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
that are out of control of his / her.
Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can choose which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
is suitable for them and reinforce it.
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IELTS essay People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
479 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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