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People with health problems related to smoking, alcohol or drugs should not be allowed medical treatment. The money should be spent on people with natural and not self-inflicted illness. Do you agree?

People with health problems related to smoking, alcohol or drugs should not be allowed medical treatment. The money should be spent on people with natural and not self-inflicted illness. Do you agree? YmjbN
The consideration comes from the health aspect. It is stated that the money should be spent foremostly on people with natural and self-inflicted illnesses rather than people with health problems related to bad habits. I partially agree with the statements regarding where the money needs to be spent. The understanding of natural and self-inflicted illnesses is a term used for describing people with genetic diseases. Genetic diseases tend to be hard to cure because it carries in their DNA which is hard to identify. The initial or the starting point of the disease is not easily found, it is usually inherited from previous generations. Which means it requires a large amount of money for medication. People with health problems related to bad habits tend to be hard to get rid of because the habits come from repetitive behaviour. This repetitive behaviour is one of the addictions that can be a social problem (deviant) which will be minimized by visiting rehabilitation centers. And the rehabilitation center is as expensive as the other treatment. This means that they also need the same financial help from health care. In conclusion, generally, providing money for medical purposes of an individual cannot be classified based on their diseases because both classifications mentioned on the statement are needing treatment. And in my opinion, I partially agree with the statement because an addiction problem such as alcohol and smoking can be social problems which have to be minimized by doing a rehabilitation equivalent with the treatment needed for natural and self-inflicted diseases.
The consideration
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
aspect. It
is stated
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should
be spent
Possible spelling mistake found.
foremostly
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with natural and self-inflicted illnesses
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
related to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statements regarding where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
needs to
be spent
.

The understanding of natural and self-inflicted illnesses is a term
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for describing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with genetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
. Genetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
tend to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to cure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it carries in their DNA which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to identify. The initial or the starting point of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
is not
easily
found, it is
usually
inherited from previous generations. Which means it requires a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for medication.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
related to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits tend to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the habits
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from repetitive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. This repetitive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is one of the addictions that can be a social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
(deviant) which will
be minimized
by visiting rehabilitation centers. And the rehabilitation center is as expensive as the other treatment. This means that they
also
need the same financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care.

In conclusion
,
generally
, providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for medical purposes of an individual cannot
be classified
based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both classifications mentioned on the statement
The verb 'needing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are needing
treatment. And in my opinion, I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
an addiction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
such as alcohol and smoking can be social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be minimized
by doing a rehabilitation equivalent with the treatment needed for natural and self-inflicted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
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IELTS essay People with health problems related to smoking, alcohol or drugs should not be allowed medical treatment. The money should be spent on people with natural and not self-inflicted illness. Do you agree?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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