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People who read for pleasure have better imagination and language skills than those who prefer watching T. V. To what extent do you agree? v.1

People who read for pleasure have better imagination and language skills than those who prefer watching T. V. v. 1
Some guardians purchase a huge multitude of playthings for their offsprings. I personally believe that to play with them have both the pros and cons. Moreover, their beloved ones outlay colossal amount on them, they also help to improve their knowledge and skills by playing with them. However, they create a social distance and stay away them from many qualities those play an indispensable role in their career. Undoubtedly, to spend their much time with them has several positive aspects. But, they also have affected the children cognitive and social skills to a large extent. They restrict them to talk with different people, which not only expand their ideas, but also increase their knowledge. Furthermore, by expending most of their hours with them, this leads to making him isolated from the society. For example, a recent study, revealed that the young generation, who relies only on their playthings, avoids the outdoor activities mostly suffer from health issues. Thus, expenses on their children, gadgets beyond the limits can also have detrimental effects. Nevertheless, the toys put a number of advantages on the life of a child, they play a crucial role for those one, whose father and mother both are working. They also enhance their vocabulary or skills to guess different words, because these contemporary game design in those ways, which are beneficial for their academic career. For instance, scrabble explores their mind, which compel them to predict or to complete fill in the blanks, which ultimately expand their range of words. Similarly, by playing on computers, they attune of the latest technology and development which are useful for their future. Some experts disclose that student, who play some games have higher IQ levels, because of, they train to cope with difficult situations. To conclude, to spend their early lives with toys has both benefits and drawbacks and their guardians have a pivotal character in that matter. If they know what their children do on their computers in that scenario, they are vital things for that age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
guardians
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
a huge multitude of playthings for their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
. I
personally
believe that to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with them have both the pros and cons.
Moreover
, their beloved ones outlay colossal amount on them, they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
by playing with them.
However
, they create a social distance and stay away them from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
qualities those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
an indispensable role in their career.

Undoubtedly
, to spend their much time with them has several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, they
also
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the children cognitive and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to a large extent. They restrict them to talk with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
expand their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
increase their knowledge.
Furthermore
, by expending most of their hours with them, this leads to making him isolated from the society.
For example
, a recent study, revealed that the young generation, who relies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on their playthings, avoids the outdoor activities
mostly
suffer from health issues.
Thus
, expenses on their children, gadgets beyond the limits can
also
have detrimental effects.

Nevertheless
, the toys put a number of advantages on the life of a child, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
a crucial role for those one, whose father and mother both are working. They
also
enhance their vocabulary or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to guess
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
words,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these contemporary game design in those ways, which are beneficial for their academic career.
For instance
, scrabble explores their mind, which compel them to predict or to complete fill in the blanks, which
ultimately
expand their range of words.
Similarly
, by playing on computers, they attune of the latest technology and development which are useful for their future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
experts disclose that student, who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
games have higher IQ levels,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of, they train
Did you mean "coping"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'train' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to cope
with difficult situations.

To conclude
, to spend their early
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with toys has both benefits and drawbacks and their guardians have a pivotal character in that matter. If they know what their children do on their computers in that scenario, they are vital things for that age.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay People who read for pleasure have better imagination and language skills than those who prefer watching T. V. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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